Pure Insanity
by TwoPsychoSues
Summary: In an age of strife, heroes must rise up to protect the innocent. During the battle that is her life, Samantha met one of those Heroes. He changed her world forever, just as she changed his. …(Don’t take this seriously folks!)
1. Meet the Unfortunate Ones

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing, never will, never have. 

**Author's Notes:** Hello, I wrote the majority of this fiction. However I had help in writing this insane parody, which I officially dub a _'Crack-Fic'_ as in _[We were on **(crack)** when we wrote this]._ My partner in crime, Miss Celery, helped during my periodic writer's block. 

This is but a piece of a massive fic that has already been written out, if it is accepted well we may consider posting it in its entirety. Each review does make a definite difference, all we ask is a _'Hey… I read this. Post more for we are bored and don't want to search the archives any more.'_ If for only that, we thank you.

**Reviews** are honored, **Constructive criticism** is very welcome, **Flames** will be laughed at and adapted so that they may be placed into the fic as jokes.

**Miss Celery's A/N:** The authors of this fic are not sane...will never be sane... weren't EVER sane. So -^^- if any confusion occurs in the digesting of this fic, let us know and we'll clear it up for y'all.

**[/sanity]**

"HEY! SAM! YOOO HOO!"  A blonde girl came running down the hall into the locker rooms, yelling at the top of her lungs. Sam cringed inwardly, and tried to hide her head inside her long gym locker.  

"There you are! I was afraid you left without me Sammy!" 

"Yeah… here I am…" Sam leaned out of her locker and sighed.

"So! How are you going to spend you're little vacation?" The blonde girl smiled brightly, and sat down on one of the benches that ran down the row of lockers.

"Oh, just go home and practice up for later I suppose," Sam said as she slipped what looked like a chain mail shirt off, and put a black tank top on in its place. 

"God you're boring!" The girl whined, and took a good look at the metallic undergarment. "What's that for? You taking a trip into the _Middle-Ages_ or something?"

"Oh this?" Sam blinked, and tossed the chain mail into her large gym bag. "The fencing instructor is teaching me how to use sharpened blades, it's a little different from ones that aren't." Sam shrugged, and reached back into her locker.

"Gee… Just what any college would want, a female student who's done nothing but take sports and weapons classes…" The blonde rolled her eyes as she watched Sam clean out her locker. "I can see it now! Samantha Williams, prized student at Harvard Law!" She exclaimed in a stuffy voice. "This is the type of person you'll have to be defending in court kids!"

"Funny, and I suppose you're list of nothing but mechanics classes and lunch duty is going to help _you_ get into Harvard?" Sam rolled her eyes and stood up straight, rather than remaining hunched over in her locker. "Courtney Smith, the-like-attorney at like-law." Sam mocked her in a valley-girl voice.

"Alright now, I think we've had enough of that." Courtney snickered. "So what _are_ you doing?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just taking home my uniforms and stuff for cleaning and polishing…" Sam continued to empty the contents of her locker into her bag or the trash. Courtney watched her and began sorting through the stuff she had thrown in her bag.

"Swimsuit, towel, …chain mail, chap-stick, sun tan lotion, sports bra, karate gi…" Courtney paused and raised an eyebrow at Sam. "You take martial arts too?" 

"Yup." Sam tossed a few more things into her bag, and crumpled some paper to throw into the trashcan.

"Right…" Courtney went back to riffling through Sam's things. "Deodorant." She snickered. "How come you never use it?" She asked, earning a glare from Sam. She sighed and continued. "A… three month old granola bar…" She read the label and rolled her eyes. "A tazer…right, a pair of gym shorts, a fencing team uniform, and a copy of _'The Hobbit'_?" Courtney looked up at Sam.

"What? I loved that book, and decided to read it again!" Sam shot her a look and zipped up her full gym bag. "Here, make yourself useful and hold this for me!" Sam handed a long thin bag to Courtney, and went back into her locker.

"What's this for?" Courtney looked down into the long bag and back up at Sam.

"Well, it's a flag bag, but I put my swords and staff into it too." Sam said as she pulled out a set of dangerous looking things and stuffed them into the flag bag.

"_Riiiight_," Courtney looked down into the bag. "A sword that you must have stolen out of the _'Three Musketeers,'_ a foil, a fake looking rifle… Have you been beating up the Pageantry team and swiping their stuff?" Courtney watched as Sam slid her staff and a flag on a long metal pole into the bag.

"No, but they did give me some things to practice with," Sam replied as she shut her locker. "Just in case I want to join next year."

 "You planning on taking over the world or something?" Courtney shot her friend a strange look and zipped up the _'flag-bag'_ for her.

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you." Sam smiled and swung the flag bag over her left shoulder, lifting the heavier gym bag on her right.

"That's my line." A rather bored sounding voice from behind them said.

"Hi Amy." Courtney waved her hand once over her shoulder and turned to see the third girl.

"Yeah. 'Hi,'" The tall pale girl behind them replied. She was rather strange, seeing as she wore nothing but black with lace, white make up, and dark eye shadow. "So, did you hide the body in there?" She joked, but her voice stayed in its same monotonous standard.

"Not yet," Sam smirked, as did Amy. "So, what's everybody's favorite Goth up to today?"

"Preparing an army of darkness for world conquest, studying for the Spanish test in two weeks, nothing out of the ordinary." Amy shrugged and tossed her small black gym bag over her shoulder. "By the way, I need your notes for Ms. Calin's English class. Send them to me later." Amy held up her portable instant messenger and stared at Courtney.

"Right, I gave them to Sam." Courtney waved her hand, and adjusted her backpack.

"I'll send them to you when I get home," Sam sighed, and turned to walk to the door.

"May you burn in the agony of your solitary darkness until we meet again," Amy said as Sam stared to leave.

"Yeah, see you later Amy. Come on Courtney we can cut through the park together," Sam replied and Courtney followed her out the door.

The two girls walked out into the cool night air. The fencing team practices didn't let out until seven thirty and they had to stop by the locker room to clean out their equipment before the 'vacation.' The school was being fumigated, so the entire student body got a week off just before Halloween. Everyone was nearly overjoyed, but there wasn't anything to do in a small city like Winchesterton. 

The two girls started chatting as they walked across the school basketball courts, and out over the field.  Courtney opened the gates, and the two girls walked off campus and down the street. They turned the corner at the first intersection and arrived at the entrance to the Winchesterton Central Park. They walked past the green sign with the name and dedication to the park and down the gravel path. The two picked up their pace slightly as the sky began to get darker and a cold eerie wind began to blow, causing the trees to moan and creak and the water of the small fake streams to gurgle in a most creepy way.

"This bag is killing me." Sam grumbled as the two walked through Winchesterton's Central Park. The walk through the park was quieter, had less people, and was a shortcut to both their houses.

"Well, that's what happens when you take every possible sports course!" Courtney smirked, and walked along the tree-lined path with Sam. "We'd better hurry, the news said there was going to be the hugest lightning storm tonight."

"Oh doesn't that just _scream_ bad Horror Movie," Sam rolled her eyes and looked over at Courtney. "Two teenage girls walking through the deserted park late at night, a week before Halloween, during a lightning storm."

"Bum bum** _bum_**!" Courtney mimicked an announcer type voice, and snickered. "Well, looks like we've got to part ways here Sammy." The two stopped right before a fork in the path, and Courtney motioned to a north-facing path that led towards her house.

"Yeah, see you later then." Sam turned down the path that led south towards her house, and waved at Courtney over her shoulder. Courtney waved at her, and they departed down each of their paths. 

Sam walked for a while, and looked up at the sky. She could barely see it through the thick canopy of the trees, but what little she could see was darker and cloudier than when they had started off, the wind was stronger now and seemed to have a mind of its own. It looked like it would start pouring rain any moment, and that's exactly what it did. The rain started off as a small drizzle in the strong and then a moment later began pouring like there was no tomorrow. Lightning flashed, and struck a stone bridge that went over the path that Sam was on. 

"Oh great!" Sam broke into a run, and held her hands over her head in a rather futile attempt to stay dry. She spotted the old stone bridge just ahead, and ran straight for it. She finally made it under the bridge, where it was still reasonably dry, and stopped. She took a break, and sat down. "I can't go anywhere until this rain lets up!" She grumbled between breaths. Sam looked around, and spotted the burnt looking rocks that had fallen off the bridge when the lightning struck it. "Well… it never strikes twice." Sam looked up nervously.

It seems the _'Powers-That-Be'_ were against Sam that day, because the lightning struck the bridge again, and lit one of the bushes at its base on fire. A set of rocks, and a fair amount of dust and dirt fell near, around, and onto Sam as she sat under the bridge. She watched the burning bush, but the rain quickly extinguished it.

"This is just great. With my luck this bridge is going to be the only thing struck by lightning." Sam sighed, and watched the sky nervously.

The storm rolled on for a few more hours, and Sam began to get tired. Seeing as nothing in its right mind would be out during this kind of weather, and the fact that Sam was rather skilled in the ancient art of _'Whoop-Ass,'_ she decided to take a nap. Sam closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep while the rain continued to pour on and, as the _'Powers-That-Be'_ would have it, lightning continued getting much too close to the bridge for comfort.

Sam woke up to the sounds of birds in the trees, and quiet murmur of a stream or some other kind of running water. Sam sat up, and stretched her arms out, trying desperately to get rid of the horrible kink in her neck. She opened her eyes, and squinted up at the bridge. The bridge wasn't as nice as it had been when she fell asleep. Instead of being clean with properly groomed bushed around it, it was dusty, dirty, wet, and parts of it were covered in a weed filled silt. Sam looked around, and it seemed to her, the path has been covered over with mud, dirt, rocks and some fallen plants.

"Oh man… My mom must be so worried about me. I am going to be grounded for life!" Sam whined as she realized that her mother was, most likely, going to filet her for staying out in that kind of weather. Sam groaned as she lifted up her bags, with some deal of effort, and started to trek over the fallen rocks and follow what she thought looked like the path. 

"Crap…" Sam grumbled as she stared up at one huge pile of fallen rocks and trees. "What happened!? It looks like Godzilla was break dancing!" She put her hands on her hips, and dejectedly started climbing the huge mass of wreckage. "Frickin' bag… God damn…" Sam growled a set of rather _'colorful phrases'_ as she lugged her bags up and over the roadblock.

"Oh…damn this sucks…" Sam stared down from the pile of debris. There was no path, not any more. The pile of debris looked like it was the top of a large amount of fallen rocks that had slid down a cliff or into a ravine. The pile seemed to go down and under another canopy of trees and was overgrown with a rather pointy type of bush. Sam tried to look over the trees and out at the landscape, but the height of some of the trees around her made it impossible.

"A mudslide! How fun…" Sam started off in a fake cheery voice, and then reverted to her grumpy sardonic tone.

Sam started climbing down the pile of fallen overgrown boulders, and trees, but it was difficult with her heavy bags. Halfway down the pile her foot slipped and she tumbled down into the pointy bushes, using just about every _'colorful phrase'_ she could think up and a few that she made up just for the occasion. Sam sat in the pointy bushes for a while, and grumbled. She was in pain, dirty, hungry, and fed up with the _'park,'_ not to mention she had to look like something the cat dragged in, clawed, dragged out, and got hit by a truck.

"Today is officially the worst day I've ever had." Sam growled and stood up, while trying to get the pointy, itchy, painful stickers that the bush seemed to be covered in out of her arms and legs.

And lo, the '_Powers-That-Be' _decreed that her day would get oh so much worse.

Sam trudged through the brush and mud, the water and muck covered leaves, and the _'pointy-itchy-sticker-bastards'_ as Sam so lovingly referred to the bushes she had seen during her 'trip' down the ravine. Sam finally made it out of the small ravine and brush filled path she had been walking through, and the day seemed to look up. The ground became dry and fully solid, the leaves were dry, and even though it was darker and the _'pointy-itchy-sticker-bastards' _were still rather abundant the lack of dampness put Sam in a better mood. 

"Okay, blind as a bat but at least I'm dry." Sam sat down on the ground and began to search through her pockets for something useful. She pulled out her key chain, and attached to it was a mini-flashlight; she pulled the flashlight off and stuck the keys back in her pocket. Sam stood up, and looked around to see if she could spot the path. She didn't stray too far from her bags though, and that was a good thing as it turned out. As she was searching Sam walked right through the biggest spider web she had ever seen in her entire life. She screamed and leapt back to her bag; she unzipped her flag bag, and drew out her only sharpened sword. Sam hated spiders, hated them with a vengeance.

"Where are you…you evil big spider…" Sam growled and used her left hand to hold the flashlight, holding her sword in the right.  

And lo, the _'Powers-That-Be' _decreed, _'Here comes the kicker!'_

There was a cracking noise, and a limb fell off a tree. Sam whirled around, and nearly dropped her flashlight. There was a spider on the branch, it was at least the size of a couch and it stank to high heaven. 

"Woah…" Sam held up her sword and suddenly reconsidered trying to _'smash'_ the spider.  The spider hissed, and some grotesque green liquid oozed off of its fangs. Sam backed up, and nearly tripped over her bag. "Okay Sammy, you must be dreaming…ate some bad cafeteria food…" Sam's train of thought _derailed_ as she heard another tree creak under something weight. She turned and just to her left there was another of the huge ominous spiders. 

"Oh…shit…" She muttered under her breath. "Err… Nice, happy, friendly spiders?" Sam said nervously as she stared at the two evil looking creatures. Both of them hissed and emitted a noise that sounded halfway between a shriek and a growl. "Not…happy, nice, friendly spiders…" She gulped and prepared to use all the training she had acquired in school. 

**[/fic]**

**[sleep= "10 Hours" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]**

**Misc:** If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive out deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference.

**Information:** If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com . 

**[review= "?"]**


	2. What's the Elvish word for Trainee?

**Disclaimer:** Don't own anything in this fic- _Never_ will. 

**Psycho Sue B:** _I, Psycho Sue **'B'**, being of questionable body and no known mind hereby give my permission to post this insane **Crack-Fic** under the **Psycho Sue** name. And do hereby swear not to whine, complain, or pursue any form of vigilante action._

**Author's Notes:** For those of you who have read our collab, Humanoid Typhoon _(which I am convinced isn't many if **ANY** of you)_, then you should recognize **'B'** up there. She was kind/naive enough to allow us to post on this id. She was also kind/naive enough to allow another author to become **'C'** and make us more of the _'Three Psycho Sue-keteers.'_

Everybody thank **B**.

**Miss Celary/C: **Thank you **B**, you have allowed us to unleash this on the world.

**Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 1):** Last time, two (count'em two) random school girls (who just happen to be failing Algebra 2, but that's another tale all together) were transported for no apparent reason into the depths of Middle Earth-

**C:** But they aren't in Moria…

**A:** Nevermind.

**(For those of you who didn't read Chapter 1):** Last chapter, the valiant Jedi Samantha crash-landed in **Rivendell**, she miraculously met Legolas (even though he doesn't live there) and they fell in love at first sight. Then the _Puu-Chuu_ attacked, the small bubble like adorable creatures took out hundreds of well-armed elves until Samantha saved them all with her Magical Amulet.

**[/sanity]**

**[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "2"]**

One of the spiders leapt out of the tree, and nearly landed on Sam. She slashed up into the air, and cut off three of the spider's legs and managed to cut it along its neck. Sam spun out of the way of the falling beast and winced as it hissed at her with more of that ooze leaking from its mouth. Sam raised her sword above her head, and swung down with all her strength, cutting the spider's head clear off its neck. Sam nearly fainted as the dead spiders body let off a putrid stench. The second spider took the opportunity and launched a stream of thick, sticky webbing at her. The webbing hit her left hand and stuck her legs together. 

"Oh mother fu-…" Sam cut through the webbing binding her legs, and looked around desperately for the spider. She was cut off when a tree branch above her came crashing down and nearly killed her. She jumped to the side and looked up, the spider was no more than a foot from her.  It hissed and Sam held her breath to avoid inhaling the nauseating fumes. The ooze from its fangs dripped down onto her leg and she nearly gagged, it was slimy and it burned her scratches like acid. The spider advanced on her, and Sam kicked it as hard as she could. The spider was knocked off of the tree and onto the ground. Sam wasted no time while the spider recovered. She stabbed her sword down and straight through the beast's head. The spider wriggled and clawed violently as it let loose a bloodcurdling shriek.

Sam pulled her sword free of the arachnid's skull and looked around nervously, she quickly gathered her things and retrieved her flashlight. She kept her sword out and walked swiftly through the dark woods until she felt like she was far enough away.

"Since when do _'couch-sized-jumping-spiders'_ live in Winchesterton Central Park!?" She yelled up at the sky, and kept walking. "I need to complain to the Parks and Recreational Department…" Sam grumbled and started to slow her pace. Her stomach growled and she stopped. 

"Oh man…" She looked up at the dark canopy, and squinted. "It must be after noon by now… My mother is so going to kill me…" Sam set her hunger aside as she thought about the huge spiders and her mother, silently wondering which one was worse. Sam kept walking, and thinking, she was so deep in thought she nearly missed a path as she walked across it. 

"What the?" She stared down. The path wasn't of just dirt; in fact it was paved with baby's tears. Sam knelt down and touched the springy little plants with her hand to make sure they were real. "Is this the path?" She looked rather puzzled, and looked both ways down the strange road. The trees that lined it seemed significantly less ominous than the spider filled trees in the direction she came from, along the path it wasn't pitch black, it was dim, like an old dust hothouse, but it was better than nothing.

"Hmm… This is rather convenient…" Sam looked around suspiciously. She was rather paranoid, for the _'Powers-That-Be'_ didn't seem to enjoy giving out convenient things without some horrible downside. Sam thought for a moment, and remembered. "Oh yeah, wasn't that summer camp… Daisy-lo or Anawano down near the edge of the Park?" Sam congratulated herself on her good memory, and began to walk down the path. Sam walked for a while and decided to take a break and cool down, that's when she spotted something shiny on the ground.

"What's this?" Sam blinked and leaned a little to get a better look at the shiny thing. Sam stood up, leaving her bags behind her, and walked over to the rock in front of the shiny thing. She leaned over the six-inch high rock, and picked up the object. "Hey, this is Courtney's School Id… But what is it doing here?" Sam stared at the bad picture of her friend for a moment and then smacked her forehead, successfully getting half the sticky webbing from her left hand onto her forehead in the process. 

"Eww… Duh! I must have walked all the way to the end of the north path!" Sam laughed, and pocketed the Id. Sam turned around to pick up her stuff and leave, but as the _'Powers-That-Be'_ would have it, she tripped and fell just off to the side of the path into one of her dear friends, the _'pointy-itchy-sticker-bastard'_ bushes. "…This sucks…" She grumbled, and tried to roll out of the large prickly bush. She managed to use her sword to pull her flag bag closer. She dropped her sword into the bag, and pulled out her staff. As she took out her staff, her tazer fell out, so she picked it up and placed it into her pocket. 

"Alright…lets try this…" Sam planted the end of the staff firmly on the ground behind her, and pushed on the staff, lifting herself out of the bush. "Yes, it worked!" There was a brief whizzing noise, and an arrow lodged itself in Sam's staff.  Sam blinked and stared at the arrow before summing up her emotions with yet another 'colorful phrase.' 

"Oh Son of a Bitch…" Sam used her staff to leap quite a ways from her previous position just in the nick of time. A volley of arrows came flying out of the trees and all managed to land or pass through places where Sam's vital organs just happened to have been. "Crap, crap, crap, crap…" Sam chanted as she snagged both her bags with her left arm and broke into a dead run. The strangest thing happened though; the arrows kept getting closer to hitting her, yet she could never hear anyone following her. 

An arrow grazed the back of Sam's leg and she gave up on running. She used her staff to vault into the air. While she was in the air she quickly tossed her bags into a tree before making a rather ungraceful landing that involved rolling down the path a ways. Luckily Sam was rather accustomed to making ungraceful landings and she broke into a run again. She could hear the sounds of bowstrings being drawn back, and she abruptly stopped. Another pair of arrows whizzed past right in front of her. Sam gulped, and decided to do the stupidest thing she had ever done.

"HAAA!!" She yelled and ran towards the sounds of bowstrings. She vaulted up just in time to avoid becoming a pincushion, she could only remember one of her old staff attacks, and she did it rather quickly. She spun around, and pulled the whole of the staff above her head, and with all her strength she slammed it downwards as she landed. It cracked through a few small branches, and nailed some poor fellow with a bow so hard he went out like a light. The arrow he had readied flew from the bow and just missed Sam's head by an inch.

"Who else wants some!?" Sam yelled as she landed on the ground, and removed her staff from the unconscious gentleman's face. She swung her staff around, and it sounded like she had snapped at least one bow with her weapon, though it was quite dark off to the side of the path and she couldn't see more than the darkness of the background and the darker shade of the figures. "Well?" She yelled and got ready to test the limits of her incredible attack dodging luck.

Sam gulped as she heard the sounds of knives being unsheathed. One of the dark figures lunged at her; Sam stepped to the side of the poorly aimed attack, and hit the man in the stomach knocking him out as well. Sam didn't realize that the first man's attack was only a diversion; the second man was already close enough that she couldn't dodge in time. She twisted back, and felt the cold edge of his knife across her stomach, she couldn't tell if it had cut her or not. She stumbled and the man spun around, knocking the staff from her hands with a kick.

Sam nearly fell down but caught herself on a tree and kicked at the man. He moved back a step or so and caught her foot in his hand. Sam wasn't sure if she could manage a kick in these closed quarters but she tried anyways. With as much strength as she could give it Sam jumped, picking her other foot off the ground and kicked the man in the head as she spun around. She managed to free her foot from his grasp but her landing was far from perfect, she ended up on her hands and knees rather than standing. The man stumbled back and drew a second knife out. 

"Damn it all," Sam growled, she wasn't sure what to do. The man advanced on her, and Sam remembered her pocket.  The man was no more than a foot away, he grabbed her shoulder and it looked like she was through. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her tazer, before the man knew what was happening she turned it on and pressed it to his neck. There was a crackling noise as the tazer sent a few thousand volts of electricity through the man and he dropped his knives. Sam pulled her hand back before the tazer shorted out, and the man fell to the ground just like his other two friends had.

There was a long silence and Sam squinted in the darkness. The other two men she had knocked out were gone, and the last of them was lying on her leg. Sam couldn't see her staff anywhere and she sighed.  

"That was insane…" Sam took a deep breath and flopped back onto the ground. Se felt a sharp pain, and remembered the cut on her stomach. "Oh man…" She ran her hand along her stomach and could feel the cut, it wasn't too deep but it hurt like all hell. She glared down at the man and decided on a course of action. She was never one to play games; she always took control and commanded the situation to her liking. 

"Ahh…Alright!" She groaned as she shoved the man off of her leg and stood up. "First things first! I'd better get out of here before those other two bring their friends along… and _you_ buddy are coming with me." She picked the man up by his hands and, with much effort, dragged him out into the path. She managed to climb up into the tree her bags were residing in and retrieve both of them. She pulled him quite a ways in the direction of the spiders until she was almost back to the bridge.  

"There we go!" She chimed as she pulled on the knots to make sure they were secure. Sam leaned back, and touched the cut on her stomach gingerly. It was sore as hell, but as long as she didn't move around too much it was fine. She sighed and looked up at the canopy of trees. Because of the abundance of rocks around the sky was visible between some of the trees, the sky was clear of most clouds and the moon was barely hidden by one of the trees. 

"Dang… it's late," Sam sighed and remembered her mother. Her mother was probably calling the army or the National Guard to go and find her. She frowned a little and looked over at her captive. He was wearing a green tunic, reasonably tall brown boots that Sam would kill to have, and he had the most gorgeous long blonde hair. "That is one damn fine camp councilor…" She took a good look at him, he could have been a model easily, and there was no way he was from Winchesterton. In fact, she had never seen him before in her life and she knew everyone in town.

"At least it's nice and cool tonight," Sam leaned back. She loved the cold, especially at night. She would always get yelled at when she went out to play in the snow without her jacket. She was about to drift off when a thought crossed her mind. "Oh damn my conscience." She grumbled as she riffled through her bag and took out her large swim towel. She leaned over and pulled the towel over the unconscious man, grumbling about how nice she was the whole time. 

"He shoots me and I put a towel over him to make sure he's comfortable…" She looked up at the sky and sneered. "You forced manners on me Mom, I might as well use them!" She nearly yelled and smiled as she drifted off to sleep.

**[/fic]**

**[emergency value= "#1.800.Funny.Farm" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]**

**Misc:** If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive out deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference.

**Information:** If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com .  After all, we don't bite…normally…unless you smell like Barbeque Sauce.

**[review= "?"]**


	3. Hark, fair Prince?

**Disclaimer:** If we owned anything do you really think we'd be writing **_FANFICTION _**for fun?

**Psycho Sue 'B':** Dang homework… You know because of it I have yet to _actually read_ this so called Lord of The Rings fanfiction.

**A:** That so? ***hands a wad of cash to B's teachers***

**C:** Damn shame.

**Author's Notes:** Luckily…errr… _Unfortunately_ for us, B has yet to read this piece of parp…errr… _Fanfiction_.

**C:** What's the difference?

**A:** …Point. Aren't euphemisms fun?

**C:** Indeed they are.

**Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 2):** Last time unfortunate Sam was attacked by spiders, beat them up, found Courtney's school **i.d.** and was then attacked by a crazed group of _'bow-and-arrow-wielding-camp-councilors.'_ She managed to tazer the last of them (who seemed far better trained than the other two) and dragged him off to be interrogated.

**(For those of you who didn't read Chapter 2):** Last chapter the Jedi Sam discovered Legolas, her newly engaged fiancée, kissing Chewbaka. She was so very distraught at this sight that she threatened she would jump off the terraces of **Rivendell **to her death until SpaceButler talked her down. She ignored Legolas' desperate pleas and ran into the arms of Celeborn for comfort. Aragorn admitted his love for Sam and formally renounced Arwen in front of the whole Jedi Council. What will happen next!?

**[/sanity]**

**[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "3" dialogue= "max"]**

**[romance= "internal error."]**

Sam woke up incredibly early that morning. The sun hadn't even risen yet; it couldn't have been more than four o'clock. Sam looked around at the trees, and took a deep breath. Her throat was mildly sore from the cold, moist morning air, she felt sticky, probably because of the small layer of fog that covered the ground, and she had to use the restroom like nobody's business. 

"Oh man," Sam sat up and held her stomach, she was so incredibly sore that she had to use a rock to held keep her balance while standing. Sam took a brief look over her shoulder, her captive was still unconscious and tied up rather well. She decided to change out of her muddy, stinking, cut up clothes, so she riffled through her bag and pulled out her gym shorts, sports bra, and her deodorant.

Sam walked off a few meters, answered nature's call, got dressed, and transferred the contests of one pair of shorts to the other. She started back, and attempted to detangle her long brown hair, using her fingers as a makeshift comb. She had it up in a bun when she had left school grounds, but when she woke up this morning it was all nearly hanging down anyways. When she arrived back in camp, she noticed her captive was half awake, and looked like he had a splitting headache.

"So, I take it by your groans of severe skull splitting head pain, you're awake." Sam said dryly as she walked over to her bag and dropped the deodorant in. "Sleep well?" She smirked and snatched the light green towel off him, rolling it back up and stuffing it in her bag.

"Uhh… I can't feel my arms." The blonde man groaned in a half-awake tone.

"Well there could be many causes for that, either the ten thousand volts of tazer you got yesterday for trying to kill me, or the leather straps I tied you with were a tad too tight, or perhaps you just go numb when you get cold?" Sam sat down, and pulled the old stale granola bar out of her bag. She was starving and this would have to do. "Want some breakfast, Mr. Attacker?" Sam unwrapped the granola bar and broke it in half.

"Legolas." He said. He seemed to be waking up a little more, that last comment didn't have the groggy slur to it like the first.

"Lego-what? I sure hope that wasn't some insult in another language. Lest no granola bar for you." She raised an eyebrow at the man, and shot him a strange look.

"You called me _'Mr. Attacker.'_ My name is Legolas." The man stated again, and looked at his surroundings. "This is not where we were when we fought."

"Well, Legolas." Sam stated dryly. "Sorry if I had to move you, but I didn't particularly feel like fighting off your _Crazed Councilor Buddies_, and the _'couch-sized-jumping-spiders.'_" Sam stared at him, and popped half the granola bar in her mouth. 

"So. Just. What. Was. You. Guys'. Problem. Yesterday?" Sam said between chewing and swallowing. Her mother had forced some manners on her, but not talking while she ate wasn't among them. Legolas stared at her, and she stared back. "Okay, don't feel like talking to me yet. Fine, that's understandable." Sam shrugged and put the other half of the granola bar back in the wrapper and put the whole thing in her pocket for later.

"Samantha Williams." Sam said as she flopped down on the ground to stare up at the sky.

"Pardon?" Legolas looked over at her, though all he could see was her legs, and part of her stomach.

"That's my name man." Sam laughed and propped herself up on her elbows. "If you feel like being my friend you can call me Sam." She snickered at him and smiled.

"Samantha, Sam?" He said her name and nickname once as if in an attempt to get used to them. "I am not a man." He said and leaned back.

"What, you a transvestite?" Samantha blinked at him, and looked him up and down. 

"A tranz-vest-eyete?" Legolas looked over at her again.

"Well from here you look all man to me, but then again you never know these days." Sam rolled her eyes. "Except the pointy ears really give away the costume. You're a little early for Halloween _Legolas_." Sam leaned back, and thought about his name for a moment, she couldn't get over how familiar it sounded but she couldn't quite place it. She glanced over and could see part of his expression. He mouthed the word 'Halloween' and looked a little beyond utterly confused.

Sam leaned back and watched the clouds through the small gaps between the tall trees. She wasn't really paying attention to what Legolas was doing; in fact she didn't really care. The two of them sat in a peaceful quiet for nearly an hour, and finally Legolas let out a sigh. Sam lifted her head up and looked over at him.

"You are skilled at tying knots." Legolas shot her a look and sighed.

"So that's what you were up to." Sam sat up, and crossed her legs. "Well, if you promise not to try and kill me I'd be tempted to untie your hands." She smiled, it was the kind of smile that belayed both a nice gesture and that _'if you even think about untying your feet I'll skin you alive'_ sentiment.

"Very well, I promise." Legolas raised an eyebrow, and laughed. Sam stood up, and moved around behind Legolas. She untied his hands, and unhooked the leather straps from the rock they had been lashed to.

"Here, you might want these." Sam stood up, and dropped the leather straps in Legolas's lap "I took them off you earlier." Sam stretched her arms over her head, but stopped as the incredible pain across her stomach reminded her of her injury. She cringed a little and dropped her arms to her sides as she went to sit back down. 

"Thank you Lady Samantha." Legolas said as he rubbed his wrists in an attempt to bring feeling back to his hands.

            "W-what did you just call me?" Sam froze, and turned around with a stunned look on her face.

            "…Lady Samantha?" Legolas stared at her as he reattached the straps to his outfit.

That was all it took, Sam busted out laughing right then and there. She laughed so hard she fell back on her butt, holding her stomach. The cut on her stomach hurt, but being called a lady was just so damned funny. Legolas stared at her, and silently wondered if she was ill or had suffered a severe blow to the head. Sam finally had to stop laughing because it simply hurt too much, but she would have to tease Legolas about that for a long while yet.

"Legolas, buddy." Sam sighed, and caught her breath. "That was _seriously_ funny. Good joke, seriously. Wheeew that was nice. You deserve a High Five for that one." Sam held up her hand and smiled at Legolas. Legolas stared at her, and held his hand up to mimic her. She stared at him, and moved her hand forward, giving him a high five.

"I am afraid I do not understand." Legolas raised an eyebrow and stared at his hand.

"Well, you remember how you said you weren't a man?" Sam snickered. Legolas nodded, and there was a hint of confusion across his features. "Well, just like that, I am not a lady." There was a long pause and Legolas shook his head.

"I am afraid I still do not understand. You are indeed most definitely a Lady, yet you claim not to be." Legolas closed his eyes to contemplate this for a while. Sam snickered and rolled her eyes.

"I didn't mean I was a man! I meant I'm just not ladylike!" Sam laughed at his strange responses and stood up. 

"I suppose I understand…" Legolas eyed her as she stood up and put her hands on her hips. She didn't stand like any lady he'd ever met, she wore bright green shorts that came up past her belly button, and were made of some strange material, and she was wearing a black piece of clothing that looked like an overly tight, small piece of a shirt.

"So, about the whole attacking me thing." Sam stared down at him with her hands on her hips. _"Why?"_

"I was training the other two with me in the art of Archery, we saw you covered in spider's web and holding a sword. We believed you to be a dangerous trespasser." Legolas answered in the same kind of monotone Amy was infamous for. "_Apparently_ we were right."

"Hey now, you attacked me first." Sam shot him a look and sighed. "Well I suppose working at a Vacation Camp out in the middle of nowhere like Winchesterton and then with the_ 'couch-sized-jumping-spiders' _out here, you're allowed to be a little paranoid." 

"Vacation Camp? Winchesterton?" Legolas looked at her, and in his mind he now thoroughly believed she had suffered a serious head injury she was speaking nonsense!

"Yes, Vacation Camp. Yes, Winchesterton." Sam rolled her eyes and made a mental note to turn down the voltage on her tazer.

"Well, then it seems we have come to an interesting point." Legolas looked up at her and smirked. "We both think the other is quite the dangerous company, yet you seem to have the distinct advantage."

"Indeed." Sam looked down at him, and rolled her eyes. "I'll make you a deal then, deary. I'll untie you if you can take me to some civilized place in the 'Park' or 'Woods' so I can contact my Mom. But you have to swear you won't try anything." Sam smirked, because even if he decided to attempt attacking her again she was rather skilled in the arts of self-defense. 

"Very well. I give you my word, I will not 'try anything' Lady Samantha." Legolas would have bowed, had he not been sitting down. Samantha started laughing and shook her head.

"Just… Don't do that. You can call me Sam, Sammy if you prefer." She sighed and knelt down to undo the purple belt tied around his feet. She undid her rather tight knot, and Legolas bent over to rub his numb ankles. Sam tossed her belt into her bag, and zipped it up.

"Very well, _'Sam.'_" Legolas nearly looked like he was uncomfortable without using 'Lady' before her name. 

"Alright, lets get moving," Sam slung her gym bag over her right shoulder, and picked up her long red flag bag. _"Well?"_

"Ah, yes." Legolas took the lead, and began to navigate through the woods. They weren't too far from the path used by the Wood Elves, the one they had fought near yesterday. 

The two walked along without incident of spider or other large meat-eating creature. The sun rose high in the sky and by noon they had arrived back at the baby tear paved elvish path. Legolas walked out onto the path, his steps didn't seem to leave any footprints or crush any of the fragile plants. Sam walked out after him and felt rather clumsy and ungraceful, more so than normal, because she left rather obvious footprints especially considering the weight she was carrying.

**[/fic]**

[sense.of.humor= "skewed" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]

**Misc:** If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive out deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference. What scares me the most is we have **two** reviewers, and the **secondary recap** is startlingly similar to a story I _have_ read.

**Information:** If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com .  After all, we don't bite…normally…unless you smell like Barbeque Sauce.

Donate reviews to prevent **B** from _actually_ reading this fic.

**[review= "?"]**


	4. Oh my God, they have a Thranduil!

**Disclaimer:** Hmm, what do our Lawyers have to say on that one **C**?

**C:** No dice.

**A:** Well it seems we still don't own anything.

**Author's Notes:** Another chapter, and **lo** it seems you have donated the power of **_reviews _**to us so we might prevent…errr _aid_ **B **in reading.

**B:** You know… I _should_ really get around to reading this- ***B sits down to read***

**C:** Whoops looks like the powers out.

***A tosses one of the house's fuses up in the air and catches it***

**Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 3):** But **soft**, it seems Sam has met some crazed camp counselor claiming to be Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, too bad for Sam that she doesn't really remember the _Lord Of the Rings_ saga. At least he's kind of cute, even if he's psycho.

**(For those of you who didn't read Chapter 3):** The impossible has happened! By the power of Sam's love (even though she never met the guy before in her life) Boromir was brought back from the grave and fell in love with Courtney, a Sith Lord, who happens to be madly in love with Legolas. But Sam loves both Legolas and Boromir, what will she do!? Poor Aragorn was forced into the arms of Celeborn for comfort.

**C:** Don't you think that joke has gone on long enough?

**A:** … When the readers start to _complain_ then it's gone on long enough.

**[/ sanity]**

**[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "4" elves= "wood" cosplayer properties(?)= "you.wish"]**

**[romance= "internal error."]**

"It is half a day's walk down this path _'Sam.'_" Legolas, who sounded like he was still having trouble with the concept of calling a woman _'Sam,'_ turned around and motioned in the direction She was headed when they had first _'met.'_

"Okay, what are we waiting for?" Sam motioned for him to continue leading the way. "My mother will fillet me if she doesn't hear from me soon!" Legolas looked somewhat shocked at the punishment, but he led on without another word.

The two continued walking, and they came to a group of rather tall trees, taller than most of the others. Sam looked up as they passed under them and could swear she saw people up in platforms built high off the ground. Sam kept looking at the trees and figured she must look like the most paranoid person in the world, but she didn't care. Legolas lead the way through that rather quiet stretch of path, and snickered when they had passed out from under the tallest of the trees. 

"What?" Sam looked at him, and blinked.

"It seems the other two have told the town about your fighting and then kidnapping me." Legolas turned slightly but continued walking down the path.

"Town? I thought you worked at Camp Wahoo-zit or whatever it was called." Sam blinked, and Legolas shook his head. Sam was about to say something when Legolas slowed down and pointed to what looked like a cave that had a pair of grandiose gates formed out of living trees.

            "We've arrived." Legolas said, and Sam stared at the gates wide eyed and smiling.

            "That is some damn impressive gardening…" She clapped a few times and the gates opened. "Wow…functional too… cool." Legolas looked perplexed at her usage of the word 'cool' but shrugged it off as a set of Elves came swiftly out of the palace. "Oh damn…" Sam cringed inwardly as she spotted the two men she had brutally knocked out yesterday. One of them had a shiner that looked like a purple Nerf ball had been surgically implanted over his right eye; the other was hunched over slightly and was walking a tad less gracefully than the others.

            "Prince Legolas, you have captured the attacker!" The two injured men glared at her, well one of them glared… the other might have just squinted to see her, Sam wasn't too sure. 

            "Captured! What have you been smoking!? I captured him and he brought me here to call my Mom!" Sam protested, she hated it when people didn't give her due credit. "Wait- Prince?" She stopped and stared at Legolas.

            "Indeed." Legolas nodded at her, and motioned for her to go inside first. 

            "Oh you'd better not be going back on your word _'Prince.'_" She grumbled as she walked through the gates and into the rather cozy and well-lit cave. 

            Legolas followed Sam, and then the group of rather apprehensive looking men, Sam nearly had a heart attack when the gates slammed behind them with a clang. Which was rather strange considering they were made out of trees. They walked through the rather regal looking cave and Sam was quite impressed, this most definitely didn't look like any summer camp she had ever seen before.

            "Wow," She turned around and managed to look rather absurd while she walked backwards and talked to Legolas. "This is really amazing. Sci-Fi and Fantasy Convention?" Legolas nodded as she said amazing, but then his expression went back to his usual mildly amused smile accompanied by the slightly confused look he seemed to have adopted in the brief time since they had met. He was about to respond when one of the guards behind him spoke up in a rather _'snippy'_ tone.

            "Truly this _is_ amazing, it _is_ the _Royal _Hall of the Wood-Elves." He gave her a rather irritated and distrustful look.

            "Woah, _touch-y._" Sam rolled her eyes, and snickered. "_Some fans_, get their obsession just a little wrong and they're all over you!" Sam threw up her arms in an exasperated motion and shrugged as she turned around to walk facing forward again. "You know I read the book too!" She said over her shoulder.

            _'I have got to find where these people get their costumes…'_ Sam thought as she looked at some of the other people in the halls. The group of guards quietly pulled Legolas off to the side and told him something in another language. Sam noticed, but was too busy examining the craftsmanship on one of the wall torches to really care.

            "You guys really suck at secrecy. But the foreign language was a good touch." Sam said nonchalantly as she examined the torch. "Wow, there isn't an electrical switch! This is real… cool." She turned around and was about to make a snide remark about the _'fire marshal'_ but, judging from the looks she was getting she just let it alone for now. 

"So, what's up?" She asked the group of guys surrounding Legolas, they answered her with a blank stare and a few of them even looked up to check and see if it was a trick question of some kind. Sam rolled her eyes and sighed… She might as well play along, after all this was _their _convention. "How art thou? I beseech you to explain of the goings on." She tried in a fake British accent, she half expected them to get angry but they seemed to have a grasp on what she was saying now.

"Well, as it appears Lady-." Legolas was cut off as Sam shot him a rather irritated look. "Ah, Sam. It appears that my father wishes to have a word with you and the other Trespasser." Sam raised an eyebrow at him and shrugged.

"Whatever." She paused, and the group of men behind Legolas had that horribly confused look again. "… Alright." She said and put her hand to her head in frustration. She was going to have the most terrible headache if these guys didn't get a clue. 

Legolas motioned for her to go ahead again, and she made a metal note to trick him into going first at least once before she went home. Sam sighed, and walked ahead of all of them down the hall. Sam came to a halt in front of a pair of large slightly ominous stone doors. The group of men that had been following behind her quickly walked up to the doors and pushed them open.  Sam watched them move the doors and tried to see what kind of hinges they could possibly be attached to hold those massive doors, but she saw none.

"You guys really went all out." She smiled and was led into the large hall by the two men she had beaten senseless.  Yet again she looked rather absurd because she wasn't really looking forward as she walked and her head was turned around to try and see the doors. They pulled her to a stop and she turned and glared at the one on her right. "Hey, what's you guys' problem?" She shot the guard a look, and then pulled her arms free of the two men to get a better hold on her bags.

"Hey! Watch the merchandise buddy!"  Sam leaned forward and turned to see a rather disheveled Courtney being led into the room by another pair of guards.

"YO! Courtney!" Sam chimed, and waved her hands in an exaggerated motion.

"YO! Sammy!" Courtney made the same motion. All the elves seemed to wince as they yelled greetings, one could almost cut the tension in the room with a knife.

"Ahem." One of the other random elves cleared his throat to catch the two teenagers' attention. He then pointed to the front of the room, and fell back into the same stance as the other elves.

Courtney looked up first, and her jaw dropped. Sam gave her a strange look and turned around to see what the random guy had been pointing at. Her eyes went wide and she gasped ahead of them, sitting in an intricately carved wooden throne, with a circlet that looked like holly berries and ivy, was the King Thranduil. Legolas was standing back at the doors with a rather stern look on his face, one that mirrored his father's, and the guards in the room looked like they were going to be roasted alive.

"Oh my god," Sam said in sheer awe. She suddenly broke out into applause and a loud _'Woo Hoo!'_ Courtney gasped and jumped up and down as Sam clapped. "That has to be the best damned Thranduil Cosplay I have ever seen! In fact, that's the only one I've ever seen!"

"Yeah great job! Most guys just go as Elrond or maybe one of his sons!" Courtney cheered and suddenly wished she had a camera. All of the elves suddenly looked incredibly uneasy, and Thranduil stood up.

"That is quite enough." He said in a rather deep booming voice, Sam and Courtney immediately froze and wondered what they said to upset him. "You seem to know each other rather well, therefore I will only ask this of once. Who are you?" There was an uneasy silence. Thranduil's eyes narrowed and Sam decided to answer.

"Well then, if Courtney isn't going to speak up I suppose I will." Sam said and set her hands on her hips. " My name is Samantha Williams, and that cowering blonde yonder is Courtney Smith." Sam received a glare from Courtney; she bowed to Thranduil and smiled.

"Indeed." Thranduil shifted his gaze to Courtney for a moment, and then went back to Sam. "I take it this is the one that attacked you two and kidnapped my son."

"Yes Sir." The man with the horrible shiner bowed and Thranduil nodded.

"In all fairness, they shot at me first." Sam spoke up and Thranduil gave her an impatient look. "And about the Kidnapping, well… I just wanted him to tell me where I could contact my mother…" Sam smiled nervously and got the feeling Thranduil didn't exactly care why she beat up two men and kidnapped his son.

            Thranduil made a hand motion and a few of the guards in the room walked up to him and began reporting things in the same strange foreign language. Sam looked over and Courtney and whispered to her. 

            "Yo, what should we do?" Sam said and leaned over towards Courtney.

            "I don't know man." Courtney replied and leaned towards her as well. "I think we might have-like screwed up a _'re-enactment'_ or something…" 

            "Man, I really don't want to end up in a prison cell tonight dude." Sam said and shot her a look.

            "Damned if I want a police record." Courtney sighed, and gulped as the guards left Thranduil and he turned his attention on the two girls again.

            "It seems that we are at a stand still. _You_ appear to be quite dangerous, while your friend does not. Yet _your friend_ appears to be skilled at infiltrating heavily guarded areas." Thranduil shot a look at Courtney and she tried to shrink. "I know not what do with you, therefore, you will be kept under guard until a solution can be reached." Thranduil sat back down.

            "Oh crap." Sam leaned her head back and imagined what her mother was going to do to her, especially if she had to pay bail.

            "Friggin' 'ell…" Courtney _nearly_ swore under her breath. 

            "Sir, before you call the police might I ask what charges you're going to press? Just for good measure." Thranduil was about to dismiss them into the custody of palace guards when Sam raised her hand and spoke up. Thranduil gave her a rather confused looked and Sam could have screamed.

            "Call the _'Police'_?" Thranduil looked at them rather strangely and Sam gave up on all her patience. 

            "GAHH! What is wrong with you people!?" Sam yelled up at the ceiling and tried not to rip out any hair. Courtney nearly jumped out of her skin, along with everyone else in the room, when Sam had her outburst. "We're in Winchesterton Central Park! Why don't you just give up the charade and talk like normal people!" 

            "I know not of what you speak, but you are _most certainly_ **_not_** in any Park." Thranduil was rather irritated with her outburst. "You have passed into our woods, attacked our men, attempted to steal out of the royal treasury, and you question us!" Thranduil was significantly _'miffed.'_ He waved his hand, and the guards took both of Sam's bags.

            "Hey, what the-?" Sam barely had time to protest before they took both her and Courtney out of the room and down a few long halls. Finally the guards that had a hold on either of them stopped and opened a large wooden door. The two girls were _'placed'_ inside the room and then the door was shut and locked.

**[/fic]**

**[ Court: M.E./OFUM/Elrond= "subpoena"  rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]**

**Misc:** If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive out deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference. What scares me the most is we have **five** reviewers, and the **secondary recap** is startlingly similar to a story I _have_ read.

**Information:** If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com . After all, we don't bite…normally…unless you smell like Barbeque Sauce.

Donate reviews to prevent **B** from _actually_ reading this fic. Those who read and review will not be fed to my faithful **Mini-Balrog** _(courtesy of Miss Cam),_ Gandulf.

**[review= "?"]**


	5. Dude!

**Disclaimer:** Until Christopher Tolkien, and Peter Jackson lose their minds we own nothing. What about AOL Time Warner (ect), well they've already gone off the deep end.

**Author's Notes: A:** **_Jo0-_** and for those of you who _don't_ speak mutilated **L33T**. Welcome back to the next installment of **Pure Insanity** formerly known as **[/sanity].**

**C:** We guarantee you'll laugh, or want to report us, or both by the time you finish this. Or your bandwidth back!

**A:** Don't you mean _Xing's_ bandwidth back?

**C:** Shhhh.

**B:** By the way, why are you both still in my house? You're distracting me from reading your fic.

**A and C:** Oh no _particular_ reason.

**A: [aside]** Reviews will be donated to do this-

**B:** Do what? You realize even though you talked in another direction I could hear you, _right_? **A**?

**A:** Dang, that always worked in Shakespeare. ***pulls a rope that drops out of the celing and the five reviewers on the roof cut the phone line***

**B:** My internet just went out!

**Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 4):** Last chapter Sam and Courtney met up, it seems they both stumbled into the same _convention_ and pissed of the same irksome _cosplayers_. It also seems that Courtney's mysterious school **I.d.** is a dreaded _plot hole_!

**(for those of you who didn't read Chapter 4):** Courtney is brought to the light side by Haldir.  Sam pledges herself to Boromir, but then late one night, goes skinny-dipping with Legolas.  Meanwhile, Courtney is attacked by orcs.  She defeats all the orcs with a spork, save one, which almost kills her, but Haldir takes the killing blow for her, and dies. Courtney mourns his death for a while, then goes and tries to hook up with Elrond. Aragorn goes to Glorfindel for comfort, because he finds Celeborn unsympathetic, Celeborn stalks off and joins the infamous _Puu Chuu_.

**[Provided, _mostly_, by Nodalec _a.k.a_ (temp) D]**

**[/ sanity]**

**[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "5" elves= "wood" cosplayer properties(?)= "you.wish"]**

**[language= "unknown"]**

"Hey! What about my Miranda rights! I get a phone call!" Sam continued yelling until Courtney pulled her back from the door.  They both sat down on the dirt floor and sighed. 

            "Sam, this is some crazy shit." Courtney sighed and flopped back on the ground.

            "No kidding," Sam looked over at Courtney and blinked. "So, how'd you get lost out here?"

            "It was the weirdest thing," Courtney started, "I was running down the path to get home and out of the rain, so I cut through the trees like a short cut, you know?" Sam nodded. "Well, even though I've done it like-a million times I guess I got kind of turned around. Then just out of nowhere lightning struck. It was so close it nearly burned off my eyebrows dude. I slipped and fell back into a well or something, then everything went-like _'massive-acidy-trippy'_ and the next thing I knew I was standing on a pile of gold. I thought I had like-died, until an _'elf'_ nearly tackled me from behind and they dragged me out of the vault." Courtney said, scratched the back of her head, and stared at Sam.

            "So, what happened to you?" Courtney looked at Sam.

            "Well, I was running to get out of the rain, like you, and I managed to get under the stone bridge over near the fake river." Sam made a few motions with her hands and Courtney nodded. "Well, it was struck by lightning like twice, nearly buried me under all the dirt. It was really late, and I was tired, so I took a catnap while I tried to wait out the rain. When I woke up everything was totaled and it looked like there had been a few natural disasters. I tried to follow the path and ended up in a friggin spider's den." Sam paused and took on an informative voice. 

"By the way, did you know that there is like the worst infestation of _'couch-sized-jumping-spiders'_ around here?" 

Courtney shook her head and Sam continued with her story.

            "Well, after that I ran like my heels were on fire and ended up on this weird little path thing. Then these three nut-jobs with bow and arrow sets start shooting at me! Well I beat the living _bejesus_ out of two of them and tazer'd the third. I dragged the third off and tied him up so he'd have to answer my questions, and he did, even gave me his word he'd help." Sam grumbled the next part under her breath. "Shows how much that's worth…" She sighed and leaned forwards. "Then I ended up here in this crazy convention, or whatever it is, and you know the rest." Courtney nodded and they both let out exasperated sighs.

            "So, any ideas on how to get out of here?" Courtney lay on the ground and looked over at Sam.

            "Not a one." Sam said in her _'informative'_ voice.

            "Well, you're reading _'The Hobbit,'_ how'd they escape?" Courtney looked over at the doors.

            "You got _'The One Ring'_ on you?" Courtney shook her head. "Well neither do I." Sam paused and thought of something, she was about to say it out loud when one of the elves came and sat down to guard the door. 

"Yo." Sam poked Courtney with her foot and made the _'shh'_ motion with her hand. Courtney nodded and looked at her. "We need to use another language."

"Like what? I know we aren't nearly fluent in Spanish and speaking our token _'Elvish'_ won't exactly work." Courtney stared at her.

"We can use English." Sam smiled mischievously.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but their _'common speech,'_ as it is referred to in the books, is just a _tad_ similar to English."  Courtney gave her a look like she had lost it.

"Not that kind of English," Sam winked. "I want you to speak English so bad it would give the professor an aneurysm. *" Sam paused and Courtney nodded. "Ya dig?"

"I dig." Courtney smiled.

**[Attention!]**

**[Due to the lack of _absolute_ definition in American slang, the following conversation will be subtitled for the reader's sanity.]**

            "Holmes, don 'yall play D&D with the dawgs off the trek-wall?" Sam asked and made a series of strange hand motions.

**[Courtney, don't you play Dungeons and Dragons with your friends from the Science Fiction Club?]**

            "I don't if my name be Shirley, yo. Sup with dat?" Courtney responded and sat up.

**[Of course I do. Why do you ask?]**

            "Dat game ripp any bling-bling off Tolkien Bro?" Sam smirked. The horribly confused Elvish guards stood up and looked through the small window in the door.

**[Doesn't that game have magic rings?]**

            "Course Foo- D&D's bling be off da' hook." Courtney looked at Sam and wondered where she was going.

**[Yes it does, it has many really interesting rings.] **

            "Yall be a horde'in any' o dat Ho?" Sam stared at Courtney. The two guards looked at each other, and another couple of elves stopped to see, or hear, what was so strange.

**[Did you ever acquire any in the game?]**

            "Tshh, ye be trippin G. We-sa pull'da tourni style. I gots it made in da shade fool." Courtney scoffed at her and smirked.

[Yeah, of course! I have nearly all of them, and since we play tournament style we use actual rings that we purchased from the Hobby Shop.]

            "You pullin me yo?" Sam grinned.

**[You have any with you, or are you kidding with me?]**

            "Yo, I gots'da shiiit here fool. Da trio shineez oh dat cat Mytsra, da cleo crack-o Athena yo, and da Urza dawg's blue bell!" Courtney listed off her rings. The elves outside the door were all horribly confused and some were trying to repeat the strange phrases with little luck.

[I have some of my favorites, the Third Ring of Mytsra, the Armlet of Athena, and the Blue Star of Urza with me today.]

            "Wassup with dat shit?" Sam leaned back, and spotted the group of elves gathered at the window out of the corner of her eye.

**[What can they do?]  **

            "Lesse, da Mystra is the heezy fo cheesy, it pulls some serious Darth Vader action yo. Athena's bling got some serious shiiznat, give yall da stupid-mad-skilz oh da Mary's now. Urza dawg's earns some mad Props a' tossin da Tsunami's round dude." Courtney took a deep breath and rubbed her jaw. She was not used to talking like that for extended periods of time.

[Let me think for a moment. Ah yes, the Third Ring of Mystra is really powerful; it gives its user the ability to move things with their mind. Athena's Armlet is nice because it gives the user a multitude of abilities, much like the bad Mary-Sue's of fanfiction. Lastly the Blue Star of Urza is rather scary because it can control water, causing storms and huge waves that sweep across the land.] 

            "Sweet." Sam nodded, and the elves outside were rather astounded by the strange language of the girls.

**[That sounds rather useful. May I see them first hand?]**

            "Was up wit dat?" Courtney shot her a strange look.

**[What do you mean 'first hand?']**

            "Nothin Nothin, yo fork 'tall over nyer or we be jackin em." Sam grinned at her.

[I have an idea; just let me see them for a moment. So I can try out my idea before the _'elves'_ figure out what we are doing…if they ever do.]

            "So yall. Monkey dose, its yo ass on a silver plater." Courtney took off a ring and a bracelet on her right hand and a ring on her left. She handed them to Sam who examined them carefully. The elves outside seemed horribly interested in their little conversation now, even though they didn't understand at all how dinnerware and animals related to jewelry.

[Alright, but if you mess those up I'm going to beat you senseless.] 

            "Dese are off the hook biznach." Sam held them out and examined them.

[These are nice; they will work perfectly for my plan! Huzzah Courtney!]

            "What chu gotz rippin thru dat stupid-fine nest o yuuse?" Courtney took back the Third Ring of Mystra, her favorite, and slipped it on.

**[What exactly is this plan of yours?]**

            "You seen deez peepz? Day-sa really on this L.o.t.r. scene yeah?" Sam examined the gorgeous ring and bracelet.

**[These people really seem to enjoy Lord of The Rings, don't they?]**

            "True dat, True dat." Courtney blinked.

**[Indeed they do.]**

            "By yall I seez us slippin them up yo, we be flippin a drama scene." Sam put the Blue Star of Urza on and smiled.

[They seem to believe in the Magic and everything, so I believe we can trick them with these _'Rings of Power'_ from Dungeons and Dragons. Perhaps after our acting we can escape and get home with no police record.]

            "Dude!" Courtney leapt up and made a hand gesture, most commonly referred to as _'hang ten.'_

**[That is ingenious, we can try it later when someone comes to question or feed us!]**

            "Dude!" Sam leapt up and made the same hand motion.

[I know my plan is brilliant in every aspect, although should we fail to instill the proper amount of fear they will most likely shoot us where we stand and leave little question of how a second escape attempt is to be brought about.]

**[Attention!]**

**[Any attempt to re-read and fully understand the Slang used in the previous conversation should be abstained from, especially considering the fact that the authors themselves didn't really have a full grasp on it. I repeat, the previous was a joke and any further _'Slang Code' _shall be followed with subtitles. _Do not attempt_ to decipher the slang, unless you are _a)_ a linguist, _b)_ a delinquent, or _c)_ a _'gangsta bitch-yo.'_]**

**[If you are suffering from a headache, delusions, nausea, light-headed-ness, fainting, or the urge to go out and _'chill with your home- dawgs'_ please take this opportunity to get up, go to the restroom, get a snack, and possibly call the paramedics.]**

            "Man, it is hard to talk like that for too long," Courtney rubbed her jaw and sat back down.

            "Seriously," Sam rubbed the side of her head. "I have a horrible headache already." The elves gathered around the door began to break up slowly, and Sam decided to hurry them on. "Alright, show's over boys!" She clapped her hands and made shooing motions towards the door.

            "So, Courtney, do we need to chant anything to get them to work?" Sam said without any slang. She figured that the conversation before had confused the elves enough that they didn't really have to speak in code anymore.

            "Only for Athena's Armlet. The other's kind of work when you tell them to." Courtney shrugged and recalled her D&D matches.

            "Just for good measure what are the words for the armlet then?" Sam blinked and stared at Courtney.

            "Well you say what you want it to do while you put it on. It only works once a day though." Courtney shrugged and polished her ring.

            "Right, that will be useful knowledge in the future." Sam snickered and began waving her arms around. "Voodoo and witches too, Cows go moo and Calamazoo!"

            "I may only be a Ranger, but I'm sure they prefer the term Mage." Courtney snickered and stretched her arms.  

            "Pardon me. Voodoo and Mages too, Cows go moo and Calamazoo." Sam repeated her fake incantation in a stuffy voice.

            "Much better!" Courtney chimed and fell back laughing. She sat up rather abruptly and held out both of her hands, palms facing towards Sam. Sam laughed, and sat down in front of Courtney.

            "Voo-doo and Mages too-." They chanted in unison as they played a more complex and faster version of patty-cake. "Cows-go-moo and Cala-ma-zoo!" They laughed and continued playing it while chanting many other things. All of the elves had moved away from the window, but one of the guards leaned over and took a look in. He watched them play their hand clapping game and thought for a moment that it looked rather interesting.

**[/fic]**

**[author properties= "neurotic" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]******

**Misc:** If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive out deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference. Isn't the **secondary recap** fun?

**Information:** If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com . After all, we don't bite…normally…unless you smell like Barbeque Sauce.

Donate reviews to prevent **B** from _actually_ reading this fic. Those who read and review will not be fed to my faithful **Mini-Balrog** _(courtesy of Miss Cam),_ Gandulf. 

**C:** Those who do not review will be _mauled _and then flee into the arms of Celeborn for comfort.

**D:** Celeborn's going to have his _hands full_.

**A:** Indeed, _hopefully_ Galadriel won't _find out_. ***coughs and goes off to attend Galadriel's class at OFUM***

**[review= "?"]**


	6. Just which one of us has the sharpened s...

**Disclaimer:** Well, I own a computer if that's what you wanted to know. But I still don't own LOTR. (Or anything else for that matter, save the computer.)

**Author's Notes: A:** Welcome back to the next installment of **Pure Insanity** formerly known as **[/sanity].**

**B:** I can't believe you posted something like this!

**C:** I take it that means she _actually_ read it.

**A:** _Gee_, and I though you weren't perceptive.

**C:** … I perceive **all.**

**B:** **I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU _POSTED_ SOMETHING LIKE _THIS_!**

**Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 5): **It seems that Courtney and Sam are actually _in_ Middle-Earth, trapped in the halls of the Wood Elves, and that blonde councilor was _actually_ Legolas. They've been thrown into a cell  and are being watched by guards constantly. They formulated a _brilliant_ plan to escape involving some rings from Joe's Hobby Shop. 

**(for those of you who didn't read Chapter 5):** Haldir and Legolas brag to each other about their date to the next big festival, neither knowing that the other's date is actually the Jedi Sam. Courtney uses her mad Sith skills to brainwash Elrond into falling in love with her but she is unaware that both Elladan and Elrohir know of this plan and are competing for her love. Space Butler flees to Gondor and alters the Jedi Council that the _PuuChuu_ led by the new **Sith Dark Lord Celeborn **are going to take over the Shire. What will happen next!?

**[/ sanity]**

**[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "6" evil= "Powers.that.be" on mouse over= "Sony"] **

**[ripped/off= "unknown"]**

            "Two! Four! Six! Eight!" The girls had given up on singing songs, and were simply counting for the time at hand. They stood up as they were playing and their hand game got more difficult and involved more moves, much like the difference between jump rope and double Dutch.  The guard continued watching, and the other guard joined him. The two guards watched for a while and decided to try playing the game, of course they were rather horrible at first but slowly they got to an acceptable _'novice'_ level.

            "Hmm…" Legolas stood at the end of the hall and watched the two guards playing the game, he was tempted to simply walk away but he still needed to inform them of the updated shift changes. He walked up to them and clapped his hands as he watched them play. "What in interesting game you have found."

            "You guys really suck at that." Sam commented and stared out the side of the small window.

            "Yeah, like-try using an eight count instead of just guessing." Courtney leaned against the large door, staring at the two guards through the window.

            The two guards froze. On one side they had their superior who had just seen them slacking off and playing some absurd hand game, on the other side they had the two prisoners they learned the game from critiquing them on their performance.  There was a long silent pause and both the guards quickly stood at attention causing both the girls, and to a lesser extent, Legolas to burst out laughing. 

            "Sir, we were just…" The first guard spoke up and trailed off as he tried to think of an explanation.

            "Trying to pass the time?" Sam suggested and the guard, who had been at a loss for an answer quickly agreed.

            "It is rather boring down here." Courtney added in and everyone stared at them.

            "Well it is a prison." Sam said and smacked Courtney's shoulder.

            "Truly," Legolas glanced at the window and then back at the two guards. "I just came down to inform you of the shift changes. You will be relieved half way through the feast rather than after."

            "Feast?" Courtney leaned on the door and blinked.

            "You conventioneers are strange people. Halloween isn't for another five days!" Sam laughed. The elves shared a look, and gave up on understanding the two girls. Legolas turned and walked back up towards the main hall. The two guards sat back down and sighed. The two girls looked at each other and silently hoped the conventioneers at least listened to good music. But alas, the _'Powers That Be' _were on duty today. 

            The autumn festival went on upstairs and all the sounds of people dancing, laughing, eating, and singing made their way down to the prison. The two guards looked rather impatient to be relieved, and sat watching the hall rather than the cell door. The door was in no danger of being broken down, though. Sam and Courtney were too busy trying to block out the _'twangy'_ music.

            "Why can't they play something with a beat!?" Courtney gritted her teeth and listened. 

            "I don't know!" Sam was pacing back and forth, trying desperately to think of a way to drown out the music. Sam was on the verge of a breakthrough, when the music slowed.

            "Oh like-Thank God!" Courtney flopped back on the ground and Sam let out a relieved sigh. The two reveled in the moments of silence, and then they heard a brief conversation, as the guards were relieved.

            "I wonder how long the music is going to be stopped…" Sam said and stared up at the ceiling.

            "About an hour." Legolas opened the door to their cell and stepped in with a pair of plates. 

            "You brought us plates of… I don't know what that is so it must be Gourmet food." Sam gave him a strange look.

            "We may have you here as prisoners, but we aren't barbarians." Legolas pulled a maneuver that Sam's mom was famous for and closed the door with his foot. Courtney snickered at him, and Sam would have too if not for the rather overwhelming feeling of betrayal and anger. Legolas handed the food off to both of them and sat down. Legolas was about to say something when he was interrupted by an electronic beeping noise. He looked around for the source for the strange noise; it was unlike any he had heard before.

            "Isn't that you Sammy?" Courtney said as she poked some of the food on her plate with the fork-like utensil given to her.

            "Oh…yeah! I forgot I had that..." Sam reached into her pocket and pulled out a slim black rectangular box of some kind. Legolas stared at her in awe as she flipped the top of the small black box open and a rather bright light began to emanate from the top piece. There was a series of small tones and then she pressed her fingers to the lower half of the box a few times. "Which messenger was that on…"

            "The received tune sounds like either _'A.I.M'_ or _'N.O.W.'_" Courtney took a bite of her food and caught a glance of the look of astonishment on Legolas's face.

            "It's _'N.O.W,'_" Sam replied and pressed on the bottom a few more times. "Hey, its from Amy!" Sam laughed and hit one button rather hard. Courtney scooted over so she could get a view of the screen, and snickered as she saw Legolas do the same.

            "May you rot forever in the clutches of the dark fists of doom." A video feed of Amy took up nearly the entire screen. Sam smiled, Courtney took a bite of food, and Legolas looked slightly horrified at this grim figure that had appeared somehow on the lit glass.

            "What art is this?" He stared in awe at the screen, and reached out to touch it.

            "See with your eyes _gamer boy_. This is the new Sony Messenger. _Satellite feed_ even." Sam pulled the messenger just out of Legolas's reach and Amy took a look over at him.

            "You cavort with the spirits of costumers and yet you have not sent me the notes." Amy spoke in monotone and changed her normally neutral expression by narrowing her eyes at Legolas. "I shall rain doom down upon you whence you return." Sam laughed nervously and Legolas stared in awe of the item.

            "Its like the _palatir_." Courtney said as she took another bite of her dinner. "Except the only other people watching are hackers and…us." Legolas looked up at her and then back down at the image. "This is really good. I'll have to talk to the chef."

            "Hey, Amy we need a favor." Sam put on her sweetest face, but Amy was unmoved.

            "Pick your poison." Amy replied in monotone, it was her way of saying _'sure, what?'_

            "You have that G.P.S program right? Can you tell us where we are?" Sam laughed nervously. "We got lost." Legolas looked up at her as Amy ran the search.

            "You are in the forest of Mirkwood, Lady Samantha." Legolas said, and Courtney nearly choked on her food.

            "Lady! Excuse me?" Courtney coughed out and Sam waved her off.

            "I told you _'Sam.'_" Sam looked over at him, and he seemed astonished for the first time since they met.

            "Lady makes you sound like one of the ravers at Tech Noir." Amy was back on screen in her monotone voice. "I have your results here. They are odd, like the happy exterior of the twisted and repulsed cheerleaders." Amy replied and another screen popped up, forcing hers to a small size. The second screen had a green wire-frame map of the globe and a flashing white light that displayed their location.

            "Wait a minute, are you trying to tell us we're still in the park?" Courtney looked at the screen, and set down her empty plate. 

            "Under the stone bridge to be exact." Amy stared at her, and her window came up to its full size again. "Yet that is not where you seem to be now."

            "How's that possible?" Sam stared at the screen and all of a sudden it went dark. 

            "What has happened?" Legolas looked down at the dark black piece of glass and stood up.

            "Damn it all! We lost our satellite connection!" Sam closed the messenger and shoved it back in her pocket.

            "I'm personally surprised that we even got a signal at all." Courtney sighed, and stood up as well. Legolas was about to bombard them with a series of questions concerning that piece of equipment and their origins when he heard some elves yelling up above.  An elf came running down the hall and slammed his fists on the cell door.

            "Prince! The spiders are attacking the village perimeter!" He yelled, and threw the door open. "Quickly, the King has ordered all to arms!" Legolas made for the door but stopped half way and glanced back at the two girls hastily. 

            "Stay here!" He yelled, and ran out the door with the other elf. They were in such a hurry they didn't even bother to close the door. Sam and Courtney looked at each other quickly and there was a moment of silence.

            "Tch' Right, like we're going to _'Stay here.'_" Courtney scoffed and walked out the door with Sam.

            "Seriously, what does he take us for?" Sam rolled her eyes and followed Courtney.

            "Hey, its our stuff!" Courtney spotted their bags lying next to the door and laughed. She quickly picked up her backpack and slung it on.

            "Wow… These guys are either really paranoid, or really stupid to have left these here." Sam smirked as she picked up her bags. She unzipped her flag bag, and surely enough her sword was safe inside. She drew out her sword and tossed the bag to Courtney, she then opened up her gym bag and pulled out the chain mail, placing it on to complete her look. "If they insist on stopping us…use it like a baseball bat… or something."

            "Alright, lets scare us some cos-players!" Courtney opened up the bag and took out the pageantry flag. She held the long metal pole and slung the now half-emptied bag over her shoulder.

            "I think its time to blow this scene." Sam quoted the opening song to her favorite show as she let her hair down to its full length.

            "If I didn't know you, I'd think you were that guy from the movie." Courtney snickered and referred to the Cowboy Bebop Movie that they had seen just last week. Sam shot her a look that screamed _'who-has-the-sharpened-sword-here?'_ and walked down the hall to the door. 

            Courtney and Sam looked at each other, and then back at the door. Courtney held up three fingers and counted down. When the last of her fingers went down to form a fist they both lifted up one of their legs and kicked the door open. Just as they had expected, the door had been locked and the lock had snapped off when they broke the door down. The two girls stepped through the alcove and out into the stairwell together, Sam moved her wrist in a circle and held her sword in an upright position, and Courtney held the flagpole with both hands as they ran up the stairs.

            "What do you like-think is going on out there?" Courtney whispered to Sam as they approached the door that led into the Main Hall. Sam shrugged, and they stopped in front of the door. There was much yelling, and sounds of fighting not too far off. Sam backed up against one side of the wall and Courtney did the same on the other. They threw the door opened and leapt out like they expected to be jumped by a group of ninjas or something equally absurd. (Because we all know that Ninjas only attack one at a time. All the Kung Fu movies _EVER_ have shown us that.)

            "What the?" Sam looked around, and there was not an elf to be seen.  Courtney and Sam jogged out into the main hall, backs together, and looked around suspiciously. A maid ran past behind them and the two girls nearly leapt out of their skins. The two looked at each other and then nodded.

            "Lets blow." Courtney said and they both ran towards the opened stone doors. 

            Neither of the girls knew why the stone doors were opened, nor did they care, but it was supremely convenient. They ran down the halls, and the sounds of fighting got much closer. Sam and Courtney came to the end of the hall, where the cave entrance and the gates were. They both froze and ducked behind a corner as they saw a group of rather militant elves just outside the gates, nearly on the bridge that crossed into the village, shouting to the people. They couldn't quite make out what they were speaking, but there seemed to be one word that they repeated over and over. 'Spiders.'

            The two looked at each other and tried to create a plan without having to speak out loud. Their thoughts were cut short as the militant elves grabbed their bows and ran towards the forest. The two shared a mental high five as they praised their amazing luck. They quickly ran out of the gates and made their way back towards the path.

**[/fic]**

**[author properties= "neurotic" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]**

**Misc:** If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive out deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference. Isn't the **secondary recap** fun?

**Information:** If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com . After all, we don't bite…normally…unless you smell like Barbeque Sauce.

**A:** See what you did? _You_ didn't donate enough reviews and now **B** has _actually_ read the fic.

**C:** For shame.

**B:** **I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU _POSTED_ SOMETHING LIKE _THIS_!**

**A:** Now you've made Gandulf sad.

**Gandulf:** Groooowl ***pouts***

**[review= "?"]**


	7. Tch, Pansy

**Disclaimer:** So, how many of us own Lord Of The Rings? ***Peter Jackson, Christopher Tolkien, and a few lawyers from Time Warner raise their hands.***

Is my hand up, no. 

**Author's Notes: A:** Welcome back to the next installment of **Pure Insanity** formerly known as **[/sanity].**

**C:** I've been meaning to ask you something. 

**A:** Shoot.

**C:** How can they be Welcomed back to the chapter they've never read?

**A:** … I've no idea.

**B:** You realize now that I've read this we have to do a collab, right?

**Authors/Readers: **Valar help us all.

**Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 6): **Well, like all teenage girls in the face of really weird shit Sam and Courtney refused to fully accept that hey they were in Middle Earth. Amy called up Sam on the **Portable Instant Messenger©** and after the curses of the peppy goth, Amy determined that something very strange was going on with her **G.P.S** program. Legolas is still horribly confused.

**A:** Do you think he expected _'Stay Here'_ to work?

**C:** Probably about as much as cops expect _'Freeze'_ to work.

**(for those of you who didn't read Chapter 6):** Jedi Sam stands up both Legolas and Haldir and is instead escorted to the Festival by, you guessed it, Gimli Son of Gloin. Haldir joins Boromir in the _'We're Dead and Loving it!'_ Club, Legolas runs to Aragorn for comfort **[insert slash here]**, and both Elledan and Elrohir kidnap Courtney to keep her from their amorous father. Galadriel asks her magic mirror who is the fairest of them all, it replies Luthien pauses as it realized she was dead, then Mary-Sue but the PPC just killed her off, then finally replies Jedi Lady Samantha. Galadriel tricks Glorfindel into helping her with her **'poisoned apple'** strategy while her husband goes forth to conquer the Shire.

**[/ sanity]**

**[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "7" evil= "Powers.that.be" default= "Lord.Of.The.Rings" "?"]**

**[Inspiration= "Excel.Saga"]**

Ah, now see we know what you're thinking. What Luck! Unfortunately, the _'Powers That Be' _were still paying attention.

The two were making a mad dash for the forest, and the sounds of fighting seemed to get farther away, but things are not always as they seem. Sam looked over her shoulder to make sure they weren't being followed, but as 'luck' would have it that was the exact moment she plowed into an Elf. Sam stumbled backwards, and held out her sword. The elf she had plowed into drew his bow the moment he saw the blade. 

"You!" The elf yelled. Sam blinked, and cringed. The reason the elf hadn't seen her was this particular elf was the one she had nailed in the head with her staff. "How did you escape?" The elf demanded and held his bow up.

"You people left the doors open!" Sam yelled back and held her sword up higher. "What are you all doing out here?" Sam growled.

"That is none of your concern!" The elf narrowed his eyes at Sam. The two were locked like that for a while until they heard Courtney scream.

"Yes, yes! That's all good and well, but what do you think we should like-do about that!?" Courtney backed up next to Sam and the Elf. They both turned and spotted one of the lovable _'couch-sized-jumping-spiders.'_

"Ai! Blast you woman!" The elf yelled at Sam, and shot his last arrow into the spider. His aim, however, left much to be desired. He put away his bow and swiftly drew out a pair of long knives.

"Yeah, yeah! Just get out of my way!" Sam yelled, and lunged at the spider in a move that would be later described by Courtney as an _'Utena Classic!'_ Sam slashed at the spider, and cut off four of its legs. She marveled at her own 'mad-skills' for a moment and the spider spewed some of its sticky web substance at her. The elf quickly shoved her down and out of the way of the web. He dove forward and stabbed the spider through one of its eyes. It screamed and fell dead only a moment later.

"How you managed to defeat Legolas is beyond me." The elf pulled at his dagger, it seemed it was stuck.

"It's called a tazer happy boy." Sam grumbled and held her stomach as she stood up. "Let me do it, ya pansy." Sam grumbled, and shoved the elf out of the way. She grabbed the dagger and with one rather brutal twist she wrenched it from the spider's skull, taking one of the eyes with it. She handed it to the elf and rolled her eyes.

"I think I'm going to like-be sick…" Courtney covered her nose and mouth with a hand and looked away from the dead spider.

"Then you may wish to return to your cell." The elf replied with a scoff as he pulled the spider's eye off his knife.

"No dice." Sam glared at him, and turned and stared to walk off in the direction they had been going before. 

"Though my telling you would give you a good chance of survival, and thusly make my life considerably more miserable, there are about five hundred of those giant spiders up ahead." The elf yelled at her rather nonchalantly.

"That would explain where all the guards went." Courtney blinked, and Sam stopped. 

"Five hundred?" Sam blinked. "Good god! Why isn't animal control or the C.D.C out here yet!?" 

"I think the C.D.C only does like-epidemics of sickness Sam." Courtney said and the Elf stared at them.

"If you insist on going down that path, I have not the time to stop you." The elf began running back towards the halls to retrieve more arrows for the fight. Sam ignored his warning and kept walking, but Courtney quickly caught her arm.

"Hey? Didn't you hear him? _Five Hundred_ **_SPIDERS!_**" Courtney looked at Sam wide-eyed and rather afraid.

"He had to be bluffing!" Sam smirked. "If there really were five hundred of these don't you think they would have called in the Army or something?" 

"Oh, yeah." Courtney stuck out her tongue and followed Sam towards the alleged _'fighting.'_

As they ran they heard the shouting and yells of at least a hundred people. They decided that they were going to go around the perimeter of the fighting, to avoid being noticed and recaptured. They managed to make it around all the loud noises, and across the Elvish Path. They snuck out into the dark woods, and their pace slowed significantly. Everything was so dark they could barely see more than five feet in front of themselves. The stopped when they heard sounds of movement coming from behind them. They leapt behind a tree and stood back to back.

"What are we going to do? What was that!" Courtney whispered harshly to Sam.

"It was either the spiders, or the _'elves.'_" Sam whispered, and leaned back. "Here's the plan…" Sam whispered and became quiet enough that only Courtney could hear the full plan. The two stood frozen in place, and didn't hear any noise for nearly five minutes. 

"Uh… Sammy." Courtney said shakily.

"Yeah?" Sam was too busy looking around for their assailants to notice her friend's tone of voice. 

"Could you, stop breathing on my shoulder…" Courtney asked.

"But I'm not breathing on your shoulder." Sam blinked, and turned her head to look over her shoulder at Courtney.

"I was afraid you were going to say that…" Courtney whimpered and gulped as she looked up. She yelped and pulled away from Sam as she saw the giant gaping maw of the hundred and ten pound spider hanging directly above them. Sam jumped back and stared at the huge spider. It scrambled down the tree onto the ground between the two girls and hissed. "Oh…monkey…" Courtney gulped and held the flagpole like a baseball bat.

"Courtney…you might not want to swing that…" Sam gulped, but Courtney didn't listen. She swung the flag at the spider, and it spewed its web substance at her. The web hit the flag, knocking it out of her hands and onto the ground. Courtney _'yipped' _and backed up, and as she backed up she tripped over a rock, causing her to fall flat on her butt. She looked around for a weapon as the spider began to advance on her, then she did the most insanely brave, or stupid thing anyone has ever done.

"Back off you, or you'll get a taste of Mystra's Third Ring of Power!" Courtney said in her bravest voice. The spider paused for a moment and Courtney held her hand out in a fist, point the ring at the spider. Sam stared at her like she was insane, and jumped at the spider with her sword. The spider backed up a bit, and jumped forward with the intent of eating Courtney. 

"AHHH!!" Courtney screamed, and there was a gust of wind. The spider was blown back as was Sam. There was the sound of bowstrings being drawn and released and a set of arrows shot forward. These archers were far more skilled than those Sam had seen earlier, and they did indeed mean to kill. The spider looked like a pincushion when it landed, and an arrow managed to make it's way past Sam's chain mail, skewering her through her left shoulder. 

Sam yelled as she was thrown back by, and had the wind not been knocked out of her she surely would have screamed when the arrow pierced her. She didn't land on the ground like the spider though; she was carried farther back, and landed on something, or someone. Both Sam and Courtney were about to leap up and make a break for it, when a series of archers appeared around them, arrows ready and waiting for a reason to shoot either of them at point blank range.

"Sir," One of the archers looked up at his superior for orders. The archers didn't look too sure on what to do; they were expecting to find spiders, not their own prisoners out his far in the woods.

"It seems you are hard of hearing." The person under Sam grumbled. She was in no mood to be yelled at by some stupid s.o.b that just shot her in the arm. 

"It seems you are going blind. Last time I checked, I wasn't a spider." Sam growled back as she rolled off him, and sat up. She took a good look at her arm, and let loose a series of extremely _'colorful phrases'_ under her breath. "You little son of a…" She glared up through the darkness and trailed off as she spotted Legolas standing up. Legolas wasn't what kept her from finishing, it was the fact that King Thranduil was directly behind him, and insulting his _'wife'_ might not make for good terms later.

"Sammy…What just happened?" Courtney asked, and stared at the elves around her, frozen in the same pose she was when the spider attacked her.

"Act of God?" Sam grumbled, and touched the tip of the arrow that was protruding through her shoulder with her index finger. 

"I think my ring of power… actually worked…" Courtney said with a rather shaky voice, and Sam looked back at her. Sam was about to make a comment when all of the arrows pointed at her and Courtney got much, much closer.

"Ring of Power?" All the elves' faces got more serious, and the King looked at Courtney with an expression Sam couldn't place.

"…Uh…" Courtney trailed off as she stared at all the arrows that were only inches from her. There would have been more conversation pertaining to the ring of Courtney's, but they were interrupted by about fifty huge angry spiders that dropped out of the trees and surrounded the group. Courtney, of course, cowered against the tree, and held her ring out like it was a spider ward. Sam, being the rather angry violent jock that she was, held up her sword in her right hand, and stood up rather shakily (testing the limits of _'colorful phrases'_ the whole time). These archers weren't trainees like the first two she had met. They possessed supreme N.R.A style skills, however they were running quite low on arrows.

The archers were putting the spiders to shame, not that the spiders were unimpressive but the archers were much better. It seemed like they didn't even need to see the spider to shoot it, and kill it. Unfortunately it took nearly four arrows, from even the most skilled of archers, to kill one spider. They ran out rather quickly and drew knives or alternative weapons to fend off the remaining spiders. There were still around thirty spiders when the archers were forced into hand-to-hand combat.

"Stay behind me." Legolas said over his shoulder to Sam as he cut a spider to shreds with his knives. 

"Do I look helpless to you!?" Sam yelled at him and he turned around. His response was cut off as he ducked to avoid getting his head sliced off by Sam's sword.

"Are you mad!" Legolas stated more than asked. Sam smirked, and pulled her sword back. The spider that had been climbing down the tree next to them fell down in two pieces.

"Pansy." Sam said as she jogged past him to check on Courtney.

"Stay ba-ack!" Courtney had her eyes closed tightly and was waving her fist with the ring around like a mad woman. 

"Oh shut up!" Sam knelt down beside her, and kicked her lightly.

"Sammy! Are they gone?" Courtney opened her eyes and looked around, she screamed as one of the spiders jumped past her and two archers began fighting with it.

"Courtney, listen to me," Sam leaned over towards her. "Something about this isn't right."

"Yeah! Tell me about it!" Courtney held up her hand with the ring on it and looked at Sam. "When that spider was jumping at me I wished it would just _'breeze off'_ and then…" Courtney was cut off as Sam smiled at her.

"Do you think the ring actually worked?" Sam blinked, and Courtney nodded. "Then that would mean that we could actually be…" Sam trailed off, as she looked around at all the Elves fighting with the spiders.

"In Middle-Earth." They both said at the same time and looked at each other.

"It would explain a whole lot…" Sam blinked, and Courtney looked down at her ring.

"Does that mean, we actually just escaped the halls of the Elves in _favor_ of Mirkwood?" Courtney stared at Sam, and they both mentally kicked themselves.

"But wait-." Sam slashed at a spider that was approaching them. "I read fanfiction!" She stabbed it, and it leapt back. "Shouldn't we have appeared in like-," She leaned to the side to avoid a throwing knife to the head. "- Rivendell, or somewhere _happy_?" Sam growled and leaned forward as she cut the head off the spider she had been fighting with while she spoke.

"What? You think we're Mary-Sues?" Courtney glared at Sam. "And don't be stupid! This isn't fanfiction, it's real life!" Courtney growled, and screamed as a piece of spider brushed her leg.

And the _'Powers That Be'_ in conjunction with the _'Author'_ snickered. 

"Fanfiction or not, this sucks royally!" Sam used her sword to help keep her balance. Her stomach was and shoulder were hurting like there was no tomorrow, Courtney was about to faint because of all the spiders, and all the yelling didn't help either of them. The archers were slowly killing off the spiders, when there were only five or so left the spiders fled. A few pairs of elves ran off into the forest after the spiders, and the remaining elves began to gather up what arrows they could.

**[/fic]**

**[author properties= "neurotic" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]**

**Misc:** If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive our deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference. Isn't the **secondary recap** fun? If anyone would actually be willing to donate pieces of **sappily written**, **horribly mis-timed**, and all around _Soap-Opera-ish_ pieces of the secondary recap we would be ecstatic to post them under this story when we need a break. Not to mention the **bonus/curse** of becoming a _temporary_ **Psycho Sue/Sam**.

**Information:** If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com . After all, we don't bite…normally…unless you smell like Barbeque Sauce.

**A:** Well, it seems we'll be working on a collab together.

**C:** I wonder what of. Perhaps B should decide.

**B:** Excellent… ***drums fingers in Mr. Burns-ish style***

**A/C:** Perhaps not.

**Gandulf:** Groooowl.

[Review or else the cold plain of eternity shall swallow you and your soul into impenetrable darkness. Have a nice Day.]

**A: **Subtitles provided by Amy.

**[review= "?"]**


	8. Get the arrow OUT of my shoulder, the st...

**Disclaimer:** If you haven't read this **by now**, you _never_ will.  **I **_own_ Lord of The Rings, **I** _own_ Excel Saga, **I** _am_ Napoleon Bonaparte. **Dismissed.******

**Author's Notes: **

**A: **Well, well. It seems we actually have readers.

**C:** I know ain't it the damnedest thing?

**B:** Must read more…

**A: [to C]** Should we tell her we **already **have _at least_ three more chapters worth written?

**C: [to A]** Should we go show _that_ disclaimer to some **Lawyers?**

**A:** Point.

**Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 7): **It seems that the **completely obvious** and **utterly undeniable **truth has _finally_ become apparent to Sam and Courtney. Yes, you got it, they _are_ in **Middle Earth.** **Mirkwood** to be exact. Well, as an added bonus it seems that the D&D rings (purchased at **Joe's Hobby Shop**™: _'Where we welcome the average Joe.'_) appear to have gained actual power, fun.

**(for those of you who didn't read Chapter 7):** Jedi Lady Samantha, while dancing with Gimli, _Son of Gloin_, is shot at by the nazgul (for no apparent reason) and is saved by the _amazing _Silveria Starlightwen, Princess of MoonPlains **(© Miss Cam.).** Silveria defeats all the Nazgul on her own and began hitting on a rather heartbroken Legolas. Galadriel gives Samantha the poisoned apple and Sam falls into a death like sleep _(formerly known as a chloroform induced nap)_ but Glorfindel feels terribly guilty about the plan. **Sith Dark Lord Celeborn** discovers that though the _PuuChuu_ are valiant _(and adorable)_ warriors, the **Shire** wasn't really _that_ militarily important, so he went home. Elladan and Elrohir begin fighting to the death, over Courtney, on a thin ledge, below which is the fires of Mt. Doom.

**A:** Silveria Starlightwen, _Princess of the MoonPlains_, belongs to **Miss Cam** (a.k.a. Camilla Sandman). If you haven't already (or even if you have!) **Go read her stories** 'The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth' and 'Once More Into the Urple Depths of OFUM.' 

**[/ sanity]**

**[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "7" evil= "Still.Powers.That.Be" default= "Lord.Of.The.Rings" "?"]**

**[Inspiration= "Excel.Saga"]**

                "That was the last set that fled," One of the elves reported to Legolas. Legolas nodded to him, and walked over to the tree behind Sam and Courtney to retrieve one of his knives.

            "So you're the irresponsible oaf who threw that knife." Sam replied as Legolas pulled his knife out of the tree.

            "You do realize, dear lady, that coming out here was wholly your idea." Legolas shot her a look as he put his knife away.

            "Yes, well we wouldn't have had that problem had you kept your word." Sam shot him an icy glare, and Courtney blinked. "Tch. I give you my word." Sam mocked him in a high stuffy voice, and Legolas frowned at her.

            "I had every intention of aiding you to leave, however my Father was less than happy with the idea of helping the intruders." Legolas replied.

            "Hey, wait a minute." Courtney blinked and poked Sam's right shoulder. Sam looked at her. "If we're _actually_ in Middle-Earth… doesn't that mean he's the _real_ Legolas, and that guy is the _real_ Thranduil?" Sam stared at her, and watched as Legolas went to have a conversation with his father. 

            "Oh man," Sam had a look of awe on her face. "That means that these are actually the Mirkwood Archers…" Sam looked around at the elves, and smiled.

            "And he was the elf in the Fellowship…" Courtney stared at Legolas and then looked at the other too.

            "Woah! Wait just a moment there." Sam looked at Courtney. "Are you trying to tell me that Legolas Greenleaf, the only Elf to befriend Gimli, member of the Fellowship of the Ring, is right there?" Courtney nodded a little. "Damn, he's a lot snippier in person."

            "Are you sure it isn't just you?" Courtney smirked. "I have to go ask him about Frodo and the Ring!" Courtney was about to get up when Sam grabbed her shoulder.

            "Wait! I've read fanfiction like this…" Sam stood up, leaving her sword on the ground. "Maybe we're before the War of the Ring… Maybe we're before the Hobbit even!" Courtney looked at her.

            "Oh my god, that means we can't disrupt the storyline!" Courtney gasped and looked around like she was about to stumble into Sauron or something equally absurd. (…Like the Ninjas? …Okay… not funny.) A few of the archers were quietly conversing over the strange behavior of the two.

            "Personally I couldn't care less, but could you do me a tinsy favor?" Sam asked through clenched teeth.

            "Sure, shoot." Courtney blinked at her.

            "GET THE ARROW OUT OF MY SHOULDER!" Sam yelled and tried not to burst out crying in front of the elves, or pass out. Courtney and a few of the elves jumped a little and stared at Sam. "Please- Courtney dear, like-now!" Sam growled and Courtney quickly nodded.

            "Right, this is going to hurt like a monkey so…like-don't hurt me later." Courtney grabbed the pointed end of the arrow, and pulled it through. Sam squeaked out part of a scream, and then started up, quietly, with her _'colorful phrases.'_ Some of what she said would have made sailors blush, and by the time Courtney had removed the arrow she had gained a whole new respect for the world of slang. "You should really bandage that…" Courtney said as she looked at the hole through Sam's shoulder.

            "Hey, I thought you were the one who took a class on field dressing!" Sam growled at Courtney and held her shoulder that was now bleeding rather profusely. "Woah…little light-headed…" Sam shook her head and Courtney leaned over.

            "I was absent that day… Oh dang…" Courtney looked like she was about to faint from the amount of blood so she barely noticed the couple of elves and Legolas that made their way over to help Sam. Sam was about to curse and shove the elves off, insisting that she could do it herself but Courtney was nice enough to punch her hard enough in the right shoulder to shut her up. Sam looked ready to knock Courtney out for that last punch, but her arm hurt too much, and she didn't really have time as the elves surrounded her.

            "It looks like there aren't any pieces of the arrow left," One of the elves examined the hole in her shoulder from behind, and the others nodded. 

            "It doesn't look like it's going to stop bleeding soon," Another elf commented and the other two nodded.

            "Then it seems we must bandage it for now, and attend to the details back at the Palace." Legolas looked down at Sam's shoulder, and sighed as he gave his diagnosis.

            "Tis merely a flesh wound!" Sam growled, and tried to keep her cool. Sam was, most definitely, not a girl who liked people pampering her. The elves ignored her, and Courtney snickered.

            "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of Elderberries." Courtney said under her breath rather quietly. Sam cracked a smile as the elves began talking about her wound in their own language. The remainder of the archers began heading back towards the hall, along with Thranduil. Finally the only people left out there were a few of the elves, Sam, and Courtney.

            "What are you doing!?" Sam shrieked as one of the random elves lifted her up, looking like he was about to take her over the _'threshold'_ as it were.

            "I am carrying you back, so you do not over-exert yourself lady." The elf answered her rather bluntly, but had a confused look on his face.

            "Oh no you aren't!" Sam struggled against him and tried to get him to drop her. "Your buddy shot me through the arm pal! Not the leg!" The elf looked increasingly confused and his friends sent him the same look. "And to make matters worse, you'll toss me back in that cell when we get back!" Sam was beyond ticked; she hated it when people treated her like a _'girl.'_ She preferred the _'jock'_ stereotype much more, and the _'crazy-psycho-bitch'_ even more so than the _'jock.'_

            "But you need medical treatment," The elf argued, and stared at the rather angry Sam.

            "You would rather fall ill and die out in the wiles of Mirkwood?" The other random elf that was known for his grim humor spoke up. Sam shot him an icy glare that screamed _'try-me.'_

            "I'll handle this." Courtney interrupted the elves as they began to talk over what was to be done. She walked up to Sam, smiled cheerfully, and to the surprise of everyone, pinched her injured shoulder.

            "OOW! Fuck you man! Fuck you!" Sam cursed loudly, and tried to claw at Courtney. Courtney jumped back, and looked a little afraid as the elf struggled to hold the irate woman. The elves shared a series of shocked looks, and both of them suddenly became very doubtful that either of these _'ladies'_ were good company to keep. "I am going to rip you a new one! Get over here!" Sam growled, and Courtney hid behind the grim elf. 

            "Now how would that feel infected?" Courtney yelled, and Sam glared at what little of her she could see.

            "Fine!" Sam grumped, and stopped struggling against the elf. "But if any of you ever try to carry me, and my legs _haven't_ been brutally ripped from my body, I'll kill you I swear it!" The elf carrying her became slightly worried, but didn't show it on his face. Instead, he stared walking and was quickly followed by the other elf, Courtney, and Legolas.

            The elves managed to arrive back at the Royal halls of Mirkwood without any more _'bothersome'_ events occurring.   Sam wore a scowl upon her face that said _'I want to rip you apart'_ to anyone that came within a few steps of her.  Courtney hopped along with a peppy grin.  Legolas just shook his head at the unladylike behavior of the one referred to as _'Sam,'_ who would have ever thought that a damsel with such gentle features would turn out to be an orc on the inside.     
              
            The elf carrying Sam slowly put her down when they reached the infirmary.  Sam slowly turned around to face the elf, a look black as thunder (which is ironic considering thunder has no color…) creased her features.  The poor elf backed away having never seen a female so...vexed let alone having such a wild look in their eyes.  Sam slowly stalked him into a wall while holding her injured shoulder. "If you EVER, ...EVER pick me up... next time I'll rip those legs out of their sockets so you will never be able to again…GOT ME?!" Nodding vigorously, the auburn haired elf dashed out of the room as if those _'couch-sized-jumping-spiders'_ were after him.    
              
            Courtney laughed nervously and moved around Sammy so that they were facing each other. "Like- you didn't have to like be so frikkin mean to him," Sam glared ice at her friend but did not say anything. 

 A strange pale haired elven woman appeared in the doorway, she stood regally watching the girls.  Her honey blond hair was braided, with red ribbon intertwined in the crevices.  Courtney looked up and was started to see such a pretty _'middle' _aged woman come into the health quarters, but she soon learned why.  It turns out that the shouting and the commotion created by the mouth of _'Sam'_ caught the noble _'middle'_ aged lady's attention.  
              
            Starring at the strange girls the lady bowed slowly, wisps of honey blond hair fell loosely against her ivory face.  "What is all the commotion about?" She inquired curiously as she stared at the malicious looking Sammy and her peppy looking friend.   Taking a few steps forward Sammy winced and held a hand to her punctured shoulder.  

She scowled at the lady "And you are...?" 

Legolas scowled at Sam rather distastefully from his place against a wall at the far side of the room.    
              
            With a little smile the lady walked up to Sam and placed a hand over the one Sam had at her shoulder.  "Why dear... you should not be up, for you are injured, rest now and let us talk later." Sam's eyes widened then turned down to the hand placed over her own, and she suddenly frowned.  She smacked it away with a huff.  

"Shove it elf-y... I don't need any help I'm just fine! This is merely a little scratch.  I've had much worse." She boasted with a smirk.    
            

"No you 'avne't!" Courtney coughed under her breath.

  
            Tossing her hair back, Courtney put a hand to her chest at the mere mention of the word _'scratch.'_  Her nails could not afford it and neither could her unscarred body.  Shaking her head, the blond teenager stepped back a few steps while still starring at Sam.  The Elvish lady, by now, had somehow gotten the _'girl-on-steroids'_ onto the fluffily cushioned bed and was now tending to her wound.  Legolas just sighed; he did not know what he was going to do with the two troublesome ones after this.    
              
            Grimacing, the fair-haired elf wondered even more to himself.  What would his father do? Are these two girls dangerous enough to be thrown back into the dungeon...? Well… those questions would be answered soon enough.

"Ow!" Sam yelled, and caught everyone's attention.

"Oh my, have I hurt you?" The elven woman sat up and looked rather surprised.

"No, you didn't…" Sam growled, and looked down the bed at Courtney. "Damn it! Stop poking me with your nail file!"

"Must you always ruin my fun?" Courtney whined and stopped poking Sam's ankle. 

"Only when it involves you injuring me." Sam replied in a sweet voice, though it lost some of its effect because of her irritated undertone.      
            

            "Spoil-sport," Courtney grumped and began filing her nails.

            "Please sit still for a moment," The elven lady wrapped a bandage rather tightly around Sam's shoulder, and stood up. "There, I have stopped the bleeding and hopefully it will not get infected. But try to refrain from excessive movement lest it get far worse." The elven lady smiled down at Sam. "You are quite lucky it didn't hit any large blood vessels or bones."

            "Yeah… lucky indeed." Sam grumbled, and looked down at her shoulder. "Looks to me like your archers need more practice." Sam smirked at Legolas. "They couldn't even manage to kill me!" Legolas shot her a strange look, and Courtney snickered.

            "We will have to try harder next time." Legolas smiled, and finally caught the joke. Courtney broke into audible giggles and then quickly restricted herself to a wide smile. "This seems to be the perfect time for me to ask a few questions, seeing as _'Sam'_ is rather restricted." Both the girls blinked, and Legolas leaned back on the wall. "First of all, where might you two hail from?"

**[/fic]**

**[author properties= "neurotic" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7" lawsuits= "Adding"]**

**Misc:** If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive our deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference. Isn't the **secondary recap** fun? If anyone would actually be willing to **write **and donate pieces of **sappily written**, **horribly mis-timed**, and all around _Soap-Opera-ish_ pieces of the secondary recap we would be **ecstatic** to post them under this story when we need a break. Not to mention the **bonus/curse** of becoming a _temporary_ **Psycho Sue/Sam**.

**Information:** If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com . After all, we don't bite… well **C** does, and **I** do if you look yummy enough.

**A:** Yes, what we said above was true.

**C:** Indeed we do have quite a bit written.

**A:** But you see, it takes us a while to divide it up and put in the A/N, Secondary Recaps, and Disclaimer.

**B:** Must read more…

**Gandulf:** Groooowl.

**[Oh Monkey.]**

**[review= "?"]**


	9. Don't you people EVER sleep?

**Disclaimer: **Hello. I'm _Johnny Knoxville_ and welcome to **Jackass.** … Are we filming?

Author's Notes:

A: _Gasp._ We have reviews.

C: Why did you just say 'gasp'?

A: Why, do you have a problem with it?

C: Maybe I do, and maybe I don't.

A: You don't.

C: Touché.

B: You realize that now you'll need another disclaimer stating that you aren't _Johnny Knoxville_, right?

All: …

Pointless Recap (for those of you who read Chapter 8): Sam and Courtney figured out they were in Middle-Earth, and where they were in Middle-Earth just not when they were in Middle-Earth. Archers. Storyline. Arrows.

(for those of you who didn't read Chapter 8): Silveria was 'accidentally' knocked off a high terrace in Rivendell by a pair of Orcs. Totally normal, not suspicious at all, orcs - With playing cards. Legolas goes on a quest to save some other _piece of magical jewelry_ from some other _dark evil_ only to stumble across Galadriel's summer castle and find Sam in a death like sleep. After much battling Elladan and Elrohir pause their duel in order to save Courtney from the Dark Lord Sauron. Who _coincidentally_ is also Darth Sidius. 

[/sanity]

[fic properties= "parody" chapter= "9" evil= "Still.Powers.That.Be" default= "Lord.Of.The.Rings" "?"]

**[Inspiration= "Anyone.s.Guess"]**

"We will have to try harder next time." Legolas smiled, and finally caught the joke. Courtney broke into audible giggles and then quickly restricted herself to a wide smile. "This seems to be the perfect time for me to ask a few questions, seeing as _'Sam'_ is rather restricted." Both the girls blinked, and Legolas leaned back on the wall. "First of all, where might you two hail from?"

            "Winchesterton," They both answered in unison, and Legolas cocked an eyebrow.

            "Ah yes, the town that apparently has a _'Park'_ that resembles the wood around us," Legolas began, and recalled all the previous accusations of Sam. "But where might this place be, I have never heard of it." Both the girls looked at each other and attempted to reach a silent consensus. 

            "America." They both turned back to Legolas and answered in unison. Legolas gave them a confused look and was beginning to get uncomfortable with the creepy way they answered at the same time.

            "Where might this land of America be?" Legolas asked and Sam thought about it, unfortunately Courtney didn't. 

            "Oh, just across the Ocean in the West." Courtney answered nonchalantly. She had remembered that it said, somewhere that Middle-Earth was like Europe.

            "What? At the Havens!" Legolas gasped and stared at them in surprise. Courtney blinked at him and mouthed _'what?'_ Sam looked down and sidelong at Courtney while muttering something along the lines of _'Flippin' Idiot.'_

            "…No," Sam began, and was about to explain when a realization struck her. _'Wait, what if we disrupt the storyline!?'_

**[Attention!]**

**[The following conversation has been written in the _ever-fabled_ language of _'Male'_ in which nearly none of the _'words'_ have _absolute_ definition. Therefore, it will be subtitled for the reader's sanity.]**

            Sam looked over at Courtney and nodded upward once in the word most commonly used for 'what's up.'

**[HEY!]**

            Courtney looked back at her with a perplexed expression and raised both her eyebrows. 

**[Yeah… What's up?]**

            Sam made a head motion towards Legolas and then lifted both of her shoulders up a tad.

**[What are we going to tell him?]**

            Courtney put her hands on her hips and shot Sam a look.

**[The truth, duh!]**

            Sam sent her a sardonic look and narrowed her eyes.

**[What if we mess up the story?]**

            Courtney blinked, and suddenly looked very nervous.

**[Oh right, we don't know when this is… What are we going to do!?]**

            Legolas coughed and they both looked at him. He lowered his chin a tad and sent them a slightly amused look that resembled a smirk.

**[I am fluent in this language you know.] **

            Both Courtney and Sam rolled their eyes.

**[Damn! Right, he would speak Male.]**

**[Attention!]**

**[If you are suffering from a headache, delusions, nausea, light-headed-ness, fainting, lack of vocabulary, foot-in-mouth disorder, or the urge to go out and give a _'Shout-out-to-all-your-peeps' _please take this opportunity to get up, go to the restroom, get a snack, and possibly call the paramedics or at the very least notify a psychiatrist.]**

            "You hesitate to tell me, why?" Legolas stared at them, and they both looked at each other.

            "Well… err… You wouldn't believe us?" Courtney tried, and Sam caught on.

            "Uh yeah! You'd probably think we were insane or something!" Sam and Courtney both started laughing nervously.

            "Alas, I'm afraid I already think you are not quite right." Legolas sighed, and stepped forwards towards them. 

            "Oh fair Prince! Be still my beating heart." Sam said in a flat tone and rolled her eyes. Legolas understood the point she was trying to make, and struck a rather _'valiant'_ looking pose.

            "Misquoting Shakespeare then, how low will you like sink?" Courtney snickered and glanced over at Sam. Sam shot her a look and Legolas rolled his eyes in a gesture he most definitely picked up from Sam.

Sam twitched a bit and smirked at Courtney.  "I'll misquote what I want to misquote, it's not as if anyone here knows the correct line." Courtney stuck her tongue out at Sammy then turned to Legolas who looked at the girls rather inquisitively.  He silently wondered where _'America'_ was, and why in the name of the great Elbereth he never heard of such a country. He turned to the girls and opened his mouth as if to ask a question but was quickly cut off and shut it once more.  

            Sam looked at him and wondered just what he wanted to ask, but she didn't have a chance to ask as Courtney immediately began to whine.

            "Isn't there anything interesting to do here? I'm so bored! I can't injure Sam, I can't watch TV, and there's no radio." Courtney whined.  Legolas blinked twice, the look in his eyes was that of a lost little boy wandering through a forest.  

            "What is this t.v? Radio? What are you talking about?" He asked and stared at them questioningly. Sam smacked Courtney in the ribs with a grumble.  She glared at the girl and hissed.

 "How in the name of _'monkey' is he supposed to know that?!" Sam yelled, confusing Legolas further on the matter of Monkeys. Courtney looked down feeling kind of guilty then looked up with a grin._

 "Well any person would know what those are right? After all he is visited by Mary-Sues every other week!" She chimed; looking at Sam's hopeless expression Courtney hung her head and let out a little sigh.  "I guess not..."

  Legolas looked at them and crossed his arms across his chest. "I demand to know what you speak of. Now, tell me about your _'A-M-E-R-I-C-A.'_" With that the elf sat down comfortably in a wooden chair and waited for the explanation to begin.  

            Courtney and Sam shared a long look, and then both turned to Legolas.  Courtney opened her mouth then quickly shut it. She turned to Sam and smiled like only a frienemy could.   

            "Well, go on Sammy, explain it." Courtney smirked and noticed the homicidal glint in Sam's eyes. Sam sighed and cleared her through loudly.  

"Okay. It's a big piece of land, called a _'continent,'_ with small country-things called _'states'_ where people drive cars and stuff..." Sam paused and got a wonderful idea confuse him!   "Oh! There are big buildings and monuments all over..." Sam smiled lamely at her pathetic attempt at dazzling him beyond his wit and crossed her arms.  What a perfect explanation to give!  She personally _'congratulated'_ herself on her fine work. The inner workings of her mind tended to be rather sarcastic. 

            Legolas on the other hand shook his head blankly. "Cars? If there are monuments all around this country where is your home? Do you live in one of these monuments?" Courtney smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand and shot a glare at Sam.

            "Cars are like metal horses.  No there are not _that _many monuments and buildings around our country. We live in actual homes." With a huff of exasperation Courtney looked at Sammy proudly.  Sam just smacked her forehead and turned back to Legolas.  

            "Metal horses…?" He stared at them while picturing a rather grotesque image in his head. He was about to ask another question when a female elf walked through the door and addressed them all.

            "Prince." She bowed. "…Random Intruders…" She paused and took on a rather nervous expression as she failed to remember their names.

            "Sam." Sam said and raised her hand.

            "Courtney." Courtney nodded and did the same; after all it wasn't as if they hadn't met with people who forgot their names before.

            "Ah, yes. Ladies Sam… and Courtney. Your presence has been requested at the party tonight." The elf said and backed out of the room slowly as Sam and Courtney shot her strange looks.

            "But, you just had a party… before we left…" Courtney looked horribly confused.

            "Don't you people ever sleep?" Sam asked rather loudly. Both Legolas and the elven lady looked at each other with mildly amused expressions. "I guess you don't…" Sam grumbled.

            "Sammy, does this mean **_more_** twangy music?" Courtney sounded like she was asking if she was being served for dinner.

            "Indeed it does Courtney, indeed it does." Sam sighed.

**[/fic]**

[author properties= "neurotic" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7" lawsuits= "Adding"]

**Misc:** If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive our deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference. Isn't the **secondary recap** fun? If anyone would actually be willing to **write **and donate pieces of **sappily written**, **horribly mis-timed**, and all around _Soap-Opera-ish_ pieces of the secondary recap we would be **ecstatic** to post them under this story when we need a break. Not to mention the **bonus/curse** of becoming a _temporary_ **Psycho Sue/Sam**.

**Information:** If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com . After all, we don't bite… well **C** does, and **I** do if you look yummy enough.

**A:** Oh must I?

**C:** You heard his lawyer.

**A:** But they know I surely wasn't serious.

**B:** AHEM.

**Jackass Fannatic:** Wow! Mr. Knoxville I didn't know you wrote fanfiction under a female guise!

**A:** Fine… ***sigh***

**Secondary Disclaimer:** I, **A**, being of sound body and mind… errr, well… **Reasonably sturdy **body and **lacking** of mind for the most, am not **nor have I ever** been _Johnny Knoxville_.

**[review= "?"]**


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